Vegas Wedding

Sent 5/19/08

It's been a while since I've sent an email update, but if you received an email from the India travels, that's probably how you ended up on this email list. Also, I took off all the work email addresses.

Background Information

I have a two-part vacation in progress – a wedding in Vegas followed by a two-week stint in Oklahoma for my little brother's graduation. It is presently 3:26 a.m. in Las Vegas as I wait at the airport for my 6:00 a.m. flight. It turns out we don't have a hotel room for tonight, so I checked out of the hotel at 11:00 a.m. and have since been wandering the Strip like a penniless vagabond, or a creepy old man who just gambled away his Social Security, whichever sounds hotter.

Top Three Vegas Memories

3. The man next to me on the flight to Vegas gave my other neighbor investment advice. Basically, Seat 14D suggested Seat 14F dump out his 401(K) and put it all in a currency, specifically Spanish currency. This brilliant idea is made difficult by this crazy new replacement currency called the Euro. Dear 14F, while making the most of your retirement funds, perhaps you should also consider typewriter futures and butter churning apparatus. They're going to be huge.

2. Tonight while wandering around for hours and hours on end, I made my way through the MGM Grand. I saw the sign for the Grand Garden Arena. I like Gardens. However, it was more of an Arena. A closed Arena. A closed Arena next to the auditorium for the Country Music Awards. Fortunately, the Awards program ended as I was turning around to walk back to the Casino. I was honored with the privilege of marching in this parade of bolo ties, big hair, and cowboy hats through the MGM Grand. I felt underdressed.

1. For the bachelorette party for the wedding, we went to an amateur male revue of sorts, titled American Storm. My friend Jessica was selected from the crowd to come on stage. Turns out, Jessica, fellow sorority member and former OU pom squad member, lost what ended up being a lap dance competition to a girl in braces.

The Fake Bachelorette Party

So dear friend Whitney decided to celebrate her 23rd birthday with a fake bachelorette party. Why? Because it translates to free drinks and making out with guys and a whole new meaning to being the center of attention. As maid of honor, I began to compile a list of awkward comments I wanted to make throughout the night. Special thanks to Whitney, Gordon, and Steve for their contributions.

1. It’s so timely that you’re getting married; now you won’t have to finish college.
2. You told him you were pregnant just so he’d propose?
3. He does realize he’s upgrading the ring in 5 years, right?
4. Here’s to the next 5 years of matrimony, or 3 if you can get him to agree to your terms on the prenup.
5. Wow, he proposed. I guess that means he doesn’t know about Cancun 2004.
6. He knows you still sleep with your Furbies, right?
7. You’re marrying him even though he killed your DigiPet? That’s love.
8. Huh, I guess mail order brides really do work.
9. So when are you quitting your job?
10. So when do you start only “speaking when spoken to”?
11. Hey, my aunt can make cakes that resemble American Idol contestants.
12. Too bad you didn’t meet him earlier, then you wouldn’t have had to finish school.
13. No, I think it’d be cute if your first dance was to Carrie Underwood’s “The Next Time He Cheats.”
14. Are you inviting his first wife to the wedding since you two started dating when they were still married?
15. Too bad your marriage will only be recognized in the state of Massachusetts.
16. Really, you two can get married? Are cousins allowed to get married?
17. You’re lucky to marry someone so wealthy. I guess the nose job is paying for itself.
18. I’m sure a lot of people have their plastic surgeon walk them down the aisle.
19. No, themed weddings could be classy. I mean, you really like Star Trek.
20. Is Vera still upset you made her pull all nighters?
21. When is the crew from Bridezillas coming?
22. Don’t feel bad about making your parents re-mortgage the house to pay for the dress. It’s their job.
23. That’s great he’s excited about the baby, but will he be upset when he realizes the kids looks nothing like him?
24. It's a good thing you stopped picking up kitchen knives during your night terrors.
25. Where did you hide your John Wayne Bobbit action figures?
26. How did you hide your "I Support Lorena Bobbitt" tattoo on your lower back?
27. The sex is bad? Oh right, I forgot he's rich. It's all good.
28. Does he know about your plan to name the firstborn "2kool4skool"?
29. Wait, the theme of your wedding is "America's got talent"?.
30. Do you have to keep his other kids? Can't you get rid of them?
31. I think it's great that he's a chip n dales dancer. Shows class.
32. You didn’t sign the prenup? Good call.
33. Will it be weird that his daughter is older than you are?
34. Sure his family’s nice now, but will they contest the will five years from now?