While in the Elevator

Inspired by a chapter in the David Sedaris book Me Talk Pretty One Day, I discovered the joy in making embarrassing comments to coworkers while in public areas -- the cafeteria, the elevator, the restroom. Just say them in the elevator full of strangers and bask in the awkwardness.

Special thanks to Whitney and Gordon for their contributions.

1. So, are you getting refunded for your Kelly Clarkson concert tickets?
2. So, if you go to the strip club, is it weird seeing your mom performing?
3. No, I think 16 is the age of consent, so you are safe.
4. Don’t worry, I’m sure lots of people get rejected from American Idol twice
5. Okay, so which Build-A-Bear are you having your birthday party at?
6. So, are your shirts looser now without your back hair?
7. Get pregnant. It will keep him from leaving you.
8. You didn’t even know his name? What time did he leave this morning?
9. If I were you, I would just go to a free clinic. VDs wait for no one.
10. How’s your “Free Paris Hilton” campaign going?
11. Wait, so why aren’t you allowed back in the Netherlands?
12. No, your milkshake doesn't bring the boys to the yard.
13. Tell us about the time you blacked out again.
14. No, drinking tea doesn't stop the spread...you're screwed.
15. Can you finally wear sandals now? Or is the growth still there?
16. Being hairy is considered erotic in many cultures. I'm sure no one will mind.
17. No, I don't think that act can be considered sex.
18. I'm so proud of you. The first male waiter at hooters. That's some sort of milestone eh?
19. Don't worry; I don't think your kids will inherit that.
20. So, do you know of anyone else besides you who still collects Beanie Babies?
21. Oh, I’m sure you aren’t the only one who actually thought Mary Magdalene was entombed under the Louvre.
22. Yeah, it’s good you are only sharing needles with people you know.
23. How many vacation days do you have left? I know you took that impromptu personal day back in February when Anna Nicole Smith died.
24. You have a drug test in a few days right? Well, you better keep gulping that water.
25. Oh, so YOU’RE the one who broke the electric stapler on the 15th floor...(Insert whatever electronic is broken on whatever floor you are on)
26. I definitely think you’ll get more transgendered responses on Match than on eHarmony.
27. So you’ve been using your ex’s social security number?
28. Yeah, I think giving your boss less than two weeks notice will really teach them a lesson.
29. It was really great at karaoke the other night when you sang “I Touch Myself”
30. Wait, so you’ve stopped washing your hands in order to build your immune system?
31. No, I think it’s really nice that you sent Dustin Diamond money to help out with his bankruptcy.
32. It’s just petty cash. No one will notice its missing.

Compensation Call

We had a compensation conference call for the firm. About 200 or so people dialed in to learn about the raises for the next year. At the end they had a Q&A section; I compiled a list of my questions to ask.

1. Is it true I can opt out of receiving currency and instead get paid in Precious Moments figurines, and receive my compensation tax free?
2. My manager told me I could receive a bonus for pulling all-nighters at his house. Can you confirm or deny?
3. What is this CPA Exam you keep referring to? I've never heard of it.
4. If - not me but my friend - failed his drug test numerous times, will that impact my, er his, compensation?
5. I notice on my pay stub, you keep taking money out for something called "taxes." Could you please explain?
6. Wait, people are getting paid for showing up to work? How can I enroll in that program?
7. I've been investing my paychecks into typewriter futures. I'd recommend you all do the same; you shouldn't rely on Social Security.
8. Is it true you moved this call back to 8:30 am, so you could catch Whoopi's debut on The View?

The Fake Bachelorette Party

So dear friend Whitney decided to celebrate her 23rd birthday with a fake bachelorette party. Why? Because it translates to free drinks and making out with guys and a whole new meaning to being the center of attention. As maid of honor, I began to compile a list of awkward comments I wanted to make throughout the night. Special thanks to Whitney, Gordon, and Steve for their contributions.

1. It’s so timely that you’re getting married; now you won’t have to finish college.
2. You told him you were pregnant just so he’d propose?
3. He does realize he’s upgrading the ring in 5 years, right?
4. Here’s to the next 5 years of matrimony, or 3 if you can get him to agree to your terms on the prenup.
5. Wow, he proposed. I guess that means he doesn’t know about Cancun 2004.
6. He knows you still sleep with your Furbies, right?
7. You’re marrying him even though he killed your DigiPet? That’s love.
8. Huh, I guess mail order brides really do work.
9. So when are you quitting your job?
10. So when do you start only “speaking when spoken to”?
11. Hey, my aunt can make cakes that resemble American Idol contestants.
12. Too bad you didn’t meet him earlier, then you wouldn’t have had to finish school.
13. No, I think it’d be cute if your first dance was to Carrie Underwood’s “The Next Time He Cheats.”
14. Are you inviting his first wife to the wedding since you two started dating when they were still married?
15. Too bad your marriage will only be recognized in the state of Massachusetts.
16. Really, you two can get married? Are cousins allowed to get married?
17. You’re lucky to marry someone so wealthy. I guess the nose job is paying for itself.
18. I’m sure a lot of people have their plastic surgeon walk them down the aisle.
19. No, themed weddings could be classy. I mean, you really like Star Trek.
20. Is Vera still upset you made her pull all nighters?
21. When is the crew from Bridezillas coming?
22. Don’t feel bad about making your parents re-mortgage the house to pay for the dress. It’s their job.
23. That’s great he’s excited about the baby, but will he be upset when he realizes the kids looks nothing like him?
24. It's a good thing you stopped picking up kitchen knives during your night terrors.
25. Where did you hide your John Wayne Bobbit action figures?
26. How did you hide your "I Support Lorena Bobbitt" tattoo on your lower back?
27. The sex is bad? Oh right, I forgot he's rich. It's all good.
28. Does he know about your plan to name the firstborn "2kool4skool"?
29. Wait, the theme of your wedding is "America's got talent"?.
30. Do you have to keep his other kids? Can't you get rid of them?
31. I think it's great that he's a chip n dales dancer. Shows class.
32. You didn’t sign the prenup? Good call.
33. Will it be weird that his daughter is older than you are?
34. Sure his family’s nice now, but will they contest the will five years from now?