Compensation Call

We had a compensation conference call for the firm. About 200 or so people dialed in to learn about the raises for the next year. At the end they had a Q&A section; I compiled a list of my questions to ask.

1. Is it true I can opt out of receiving currency and instead get paid in Precious Moments figurines, and receive my compensation tax free?
2. My manager told me I could receive a bonus for pulling all-nighters at his house. Can you confirm or deny?
3. What is this CPA Exam you keep referring to? I've never heard of it.
4. If - not me but my friend - failed his drug test numerous times, will that impact my, er his, compensation?
5. I notice on my pay stub, you keep taking money out for something called "taxes." Could you please explain?
6. Wait, people are getting paid for showing up to work? How can I enroll in that program?
7. I've been investing my paychecks into typewriter futures. I'd recommend you all do the same; you shouldn't rely on Social Security.
8. Is it true you moved this call back to 8:30 am, so you could catch Whoopi's debut on The View?