As included in the Company's monthly internal newsletter
It’s that time of year again, where my only connection to pop culture is Sandy Kenyon’s brash movie reviews (Why does he always pick the worst movies to review? No wonder all his reviews are harsh.) Come Thursday night, the thrill of answering the backseat Jeopardy questions feels cheapened by the fact you have played along with Alex Trebek the past three consecutive days. There are only so many times you can pat yourself on the back for knowing the name of Natalie Portman’s fiancé’s name. If these ramblings mean nothing to you, then you have not taken an NYC cab home every night for the past two months.
Other crazy occurrences when it’s busy season include - you stop having to check your bank account every couple days because you know you haven’t spent any money. You can’t figure out what’s worse – that your pants don’t fit because you get no exercise all day or because you just ate cashew chicken for the third time this week.
People try to give me advice on how to get through busy season. They tell me things like spend Sundays sleeping or plan a fun getaway for the end of busy season, but I’ll tell you what works for me. Hypnosis. I spend the first five minutes of the day dangling a red pencil in front of my face chanting – “the balances will reconcile. The balances will reconcile. The balances will reconcile.” When in this trance like state, nothing gets me down. People yelling at me, clients complaining “I already gave you that support.” I move through it all in a daze. Granted I’m not very productive when in the trance, and I am pretty sure my engagement team is completely creeped out, but that’s when I start chanting “Don’t let the haters get you down.”
Showing posts with label audit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label audit. Show all posts
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Top Ten Pieces of Advice on Surviving Busy Season
As included in the Company's monthly newsletter
Submitted by engagement teams
1. Eat Silly Putty while watching America’s cutest kitty videos on YouTube. After that, you’ll look forward to going back to workpapers. Nicole Luft on Soc Gen.
2. If you are an auditor, pick NFL teams like the Lions, Browns, Panthers, Giants or Jets to root for. That way you won’t miss a thing if you work on Superbowl Sunday. Nick Iosifov on Morgan Stanley.
3. The video chat calling feature on messenger was implemented so you wouldn’t have to leave work and waste time seeing your friends and family during busy season. Nick Iosifov on Morgan Stanley.
4. Purchase ProActiv Acne Solution and apply generously. Chris Cryderman on KKR.
5. Go to the gym. Matt Lorie on Evercore Partners.
6. Get enough sleep. And shower every day. Benjamin Hong on Evercore Partners.
7. Try to make a Friday happy hour – or do some Saturday day time drinking, if possible. Michael Ho on Lehman SIPC engagement – Trade Unwinds Team.
8. Develop a really bad gambling addiction, realize you have no time to actually gamble, and then feel good about conquering your addiction. Jeff Macfarland on Morgan Stanley.
9. Sleep in every Thursday. And by sleep in, I mean, turn your clock back 3 hours and get an extra 2 hours of sleep. This way, you’ll still make it in an hour early on Thursday. Jeff Macfarland on Morgan Stanley.
10. Think about all the fun you’ll have shopping for new clothes, either to replace the ones you got too fat to wear or to replace the ones that were ruined by the nightly tears/greasy dinner orders. Jeff Macfarland on Morgan Stanley.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
New Year’s Resolutions – your last ones
What are your New Year’s resolutions? They’d better be good. These are your last ones. That’s right. 2012, the world is ending per the Hopi and the Mayans and Nicolas Cage. So I took the time to put together some resolutions to prepare yourself for the end of the world and to make the most of the last year that Earth will be the cool place to live.
- Join a militia. Better yet start one. That way, you’ll be the leader and the other militiamen have to protect you and your domain.
- Sell fake goods. Some sects out there are going to start stocking up on power generators and canned goods and other survival supplies. There is a market for this. Exploit it. So I put together a flashlight glued to a tank of lighter fluid and sold it online for $200 as a power generator. If the world doesn’t collapse in 2012, the buyer will never need it and never notice it’s worthless.
- Remember how cool Y2K was!?!? Remember how on office space, the main character said he helped businesses prepare for Y2K? Totally start a consulting business telling companies you’ll help them prepare their computer systems for the 2012 end of the world. When it passes, you’ll look like a success.
- Write a cool song for 2012. Prince knew was business savvy when he wrote “Party Like it’s 1999.” It was a commercial success and the theme song of 1999. Follow his lead and write a ditty for ’11. Rhymes with heaven, seven, Kevin. Should make for a promising mix.
- Tell your staff to get all the audit workpapers done early. Tell them they have to wrap up the audit by 12/31/2011. When they tell you, they can't audit the books when they haven’t yet closed, tell them it’s only going to get harder to audit the books after the world slips into anarchy.
- Start acclimating yourself to the taste of canned foods.
- USD will become meaningless in an anarchist society. Therefore you need to project what will be the new currency and start stocking up on it. Probably snowglobes and abaci (the plural of abacus). The snowglobes to remind humans of how pretty the world was and abaci because you still want to be a respectable accountant in a world without currency and calculators.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Divestitures and Such
Submitted to Company Newsletter March 2010
As I prepare to roll off my busy season client and out of audit, I decided to express my appreciation, exasperation, and/or unending love for various teammates by designing and ordering the below magnets.
I plan to customize them with the below examples.
- Remember the time we worked together? It was like petting puppies and eating ice cream daily because you were always writing the most concise yet thoughtful tickmarks.
- Remember the time we worked together? It was like working with Santa Claus because you were bringing me presents in the form of GAAS compliant audit procedures.
- Remember the time we worked together? It was like working with the lead singer of a Tears for Fears cover band because you were always listening to your earphones and rocking out to “Shout” like you weren’t an auditor in a janitorial closet at 11:00 p.m. on a Thursday night.
- Remember the time we worked together? It was like the Commitments and Contingencies footnote because you were always a “guaranteed” good time.
- Remember the time we worked together? It was like being at a three-month long LAN party because you were sleep deprived, unkempt, really into your computer and always aiming to conquer the virtual world that is SEC compliance.
- Remember the time we worked together? It was like the new Auditing Standards Codification, because you were confusing, demanding, and elusive yet well-intentioned.
I ordered 200 magnets, so let me know if you want one.
On a serious note, I am turning in my red pencil and GAAP Checklist log-in and transferring out of audit. It’s been real, and so to anyone who is reading this - Remember the time we worked together? It was like being a moon in a waxing gibbous phase because you let me have a good time once a month even if it was awkward. Gibbous phases are weird. Accounting jokes are weird. And we all let them happen once a month. Thanks.
Open Letter to the Managing Partner
I found this in my email this week. I guess I wrote it for the Company Newsletter a year ago, but maybe they wouldn't let me include it or something.
An Open Letter to the Managing Partner:
It's Monday afternoon. Between catching up on all the work I intended to complete over the weekend yet never touched and counting down the hours until the next weekend, I receive an email. Has Jake Gyllenhaal finally replied to my fan emails? Or will it just be another notification of the restraining order Mr. Gyllenhaal has issued against me? Will it be an email from kids at the high school down the block apologizing for mugging me for my KFC bucket of wings? Or will it be a message from the KFC agreeing to lace the coleslaw order with Crayolas and burnt cat hair the next time the punk kids order?
No, it's a message from Mr. Morrissey notifying me, yet again, of a tardy timesheet.
Hi, Ed. You seem like a nice enough guy, and I'm a somewhat earnest employee. You seem to care about time sheets, so I can care about time sheets. I have done some thinking and have some ideas on increasing time sheet submissions:
Time sheets remind me of when I worked at the blackberry orchard when I was thirteen. We always submitted them on time. When you're making $2.50/hour, you want every penny of it. There's something about physically punching a time clock. Maybe if someone could physically bring me a time clock and card, I'd stamp it on time. We also got a commission of sorts at the orchard - fifty cents for every quart of blackberries picked.
Maybe you could sweeten the deal with a quarter for every time I WAU on time.You know what makes time sheets tough - figuring out the most appropriate charge code. I have some ideas of new charge codes I could really use. If I could allocate some time to scrapbooking, rehearsing magic tricks, or aerophilately (the collecting airmail stamps), I'd definitely submit more timely time sheets.
My mom used to give us sticker charts growing up. Every time I did the dishes, Bonnie gave me a ladybug sticker. When I am home for the holidays, I can ask her if she has any more stickers if you want to dole them out as incentives. Anyway, just some thoughts. Maybe I will make timely time sheets my New Year's Resolution, right after getting Jake Gyllenhaal to reverse that cease and desist order. 2009 is going to be huge.
An Open Letter to the Managing Partner:
It's Monday afternoon. Between catching up on all the work I intended to complete over the weekend yet never touched and counting down the hours until the next weekend, I receive an email. Has Jake Gyllenhaal finally replied to my fan emails? Or will it just be another notification of the restraining order Mr. Gyllenhaal has issued against me? Will it be an email from kids at the high school down the block apologizing for mugging me for my KFC bucket of wings? Or will it be a message from the KFC agreeing to lace the coleslaw order with Crayolas and burnt cat hair the next time the punk kids order?
No, it's a message from Mr. Morrissey notifying me, yet again, of a tardy timesheet.
Hi, Ed. You seem like a nice enough guy, and I'm a somewhat earnest employee. You seem to care about time sheets, so I can care about time sheets. I have done some thinking and have some ideas on increasing time sheet submissions:
Time sheets remind me of when I worked at the blackberry orchard when I was thirteen. We always submitted them on time. When you're making $2.50/hour, you want every penny of it. There's something about physically punching a time clock. Maybe if someone could physically bring me a time clock and card, I'd stamp it on time. We also got a commission of sorts at the orchard - fifty cents for every quart of blackberries picked.
Maybe you could sweeten the deal with a quarter for every time I WAU on time.You know what makes time sheets tough - figuring out the most appropriate charge code. I have some ideas of new charge codes I could really use. If I could allocate some time to scrapbooking, rehearsing magic tricks, or aerophilately (the collecting airmail stamps), I'd definitely submit more timely time sheets.
My mom used to give us sticker charts growing up. Every time I did the dishes, Bonnie gave me a ladybug sticker. When I am home for the holidays, I can ask her if she has any more stickers if you want to dole them out as incentives. Anyway, just some thoughts. Maybe I will make timely time sheets my New Year's Resolution, right after getting Jake Gyllenhaal to reverse that cease and desist order. 2009 is going to be huge.
Top Ten Lessons I Learned This Busy Season
Submitted to company newsletter March 2010
Top Ten Lessons I Learned This Busy Season
- SIPC Agreed Upon Procedures, huh?
- No matter how many hours you put in at work, your roommates think you still have time to do all their dishes.
- No matter how meticulous or organized you are, there will always be an error with your engagement team’s take-out delivery.
- There are 65,536 lines in an Excel schedule. Because anything larger than that means hours of frustration with an Access database.
- ASC 820-10 = SFAS 157 = ASC 820-10. I’ll learn the rest of them next year.
- The data doesn’t mine itself.
- There is nothing like that wave of anxiety when you import a transfer file in AS/2 and have that 3 second wait period to see how many review notes you will have back.
- You love the new Audit Methodology…
- Except for the times you hate the new Audit Methodology.
- “More than I ever wanted to learn about the Maritime Marine Act of 1920, otherwise known as the Jones Act” (quote from Herb Lohmann on auditing commodities)
Friday, January 8, 2010
Friday, November 20, 2009
Holiday cards for the client
As submitted to the company newsletter for December 2009
Season’s greetings, Happy Hanukkah. Retailers seem to carry an abundance of holiday cards, but alas, I couldn’t quite find the appropriate sentiment for my client, so I resorted to making my own.
Season’s greetings, Happy Hanukkah. Retailers seem to carry an abundance of holiday cards, but alas, I couldn’t quite find the appropriate sentiment for my client, so I resorted to making my own.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
My love affair with knowing your birthday
As submitted to the company newsletter in November 2009
The Water Cooler, huh? To the new hires, I still recall when I first received the Water Cooler. As a recent college grad eager to usher in a new era of freedom from material misstatement to the wild world of financial reporting, I pretended to read the OneVoice and Technically Speaking, but let’s face it, I didn’t get as riled up about consolidating Variable Interest Entities as my senior did.
As a new hire, the Water Cooler was something I could really get into. Pictures, restaurant recommendations, wedding announcements. Over the years, I have come to understand and appreciate the other Deloitte email newsletters and have even gotten excited about updates to the New Audit Methodology.
Over the years, I have also learned what truly makes a great newsletter here at Deloitte.
The Water Cooler, huh? To the new hires, I still recall when I first received the Water Cooler. As a recent college grad eager to usher in a new era of freedom from material misstatement to the wild world of financial reporting, I pretended to read the OneVoice and Technically Speaking, but let’s face it, I didn’t get as riled up about consolidating Variable Interest Entities as my senior did.
As a new hire, the Water Cooler was something I could really get into. Pictures, restaurant recommendations, wedding announcements. Over the years, I have come to understand and appreciate the other Deloitte email newsletters and have even gotten excited about updates to the New Audit Methodology.
Over the years, I have also learned what truly makes a great newsletter here at Deloitte.
- It helps if you can get a mascot, a face and voice to the newsletter, kinda like Oprah is to O magazine. AERS Weekly has Tommasino; One Voice boasts Jeff Kottkamp as its cover model; we have Ed; and Barry Salzberg is always sending out his own newsletters.
- Colors are crucial. It’s Deloitte; the tasteful use of a palette of colors is encouraged, as long as the only colors used are blue and bright green.
- Links, tons of links are always encouraged. They make your publication look researched and important. That’s why each month, when we compile the Water Cooler, we insert at least 15 fake links. Just bold a few words and people will think there are tons of data and additional information for whatever you just sent.
Setting Goals
As submitted to company newsletter in September 2009
I am a goal-setter, and more importantly, a goal-attainer. Like my other colleagues, my counselor and I got together and outlined some professional goals for the next year.
My counselor recommended these goals.
I am a goal-setter, and more importantly, a goal-attainer. Like my other colleagues, my counselor and I got together and outlined some professional goals for the next year.
My counselor recommended these goals.
- 100% utilization
- Get involved in a BRG
- Pass my CPA exam
- Learn the new audit approach
I agreed to these goals.
- 100% utilization
- Get involved in a BRG
- Get a CPA certification
- Learn the new audit approach
- Lobby to make time spent polishing Where’s Waldo figurines a work-related activity
- Start a BRG focusing on speed-eating Nacho Cheese Doritos with chopsticks
- Did you know you can be certified by the Composite Panel Association (CPA), which represents the composite panel and decorative surfacing industries? (http://www.pbmdf.com/)
- Have you seen the new audit approach? It caps selections at 75. Of course, I am going to learn this.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Top Ten Internship Memories
Submitted to Company Newsletter in July 2009
I was a member of the Deloitte Intern Class of 2004. It was glorious. I recall lugging my Toshiba through the maze of subways, busses, and path trains.
- A fellow intern and I decided to see how long Manhattan was one day, so we took the subway to 215th street and walked to South Ferry.
- I made a lot of binders that summer, and I recall filling out “gray ropes“, which were just huge envelopes to ship binders back to the office to be archived. All interns and employees, be glad you don’t have to do those anymore.
- For our intern community service day, we painted park benches in the Harlem area of Central Park. I recall having to paint around people sleeping on the benches.
- I was assigned for two days at an international bank near Herald Square to reconcile the financial statements for a company using Polish GAAP to what they would be in US GAAP.
- I recall filling out paper timesheets and faxing them in. Maybe that was just for interns.
- One afternoon, my senior at the engagement was explaining something to me. I don’t recall what it was because I fell asleep right in front of her. I ran into her at a happy hour a year ago, and she brought it up.
- We also went to a Yankees game one day. As I walked in, someone handed me a t-shirt. My fellow interns were curious why only I received one. Turns out, it was Free T-Shirt Day for kids under 13.
- I was once assigned to an engagement in Brooklyn. Everyone told me it was a bad part of town. I looked it up when I moved back to the city to start working full-time. Turns out, the engagement was in now-uber-gentrified Williamsburg. I should have been buying up properties in B-burg when I was out there auditing.
- One of my clients was in Jersey City. My parents were worried that I was travelling between states for work. It just sounded so far away.
- Honestly, I still consider some of my fellow interns among my closest friends, so I encourage all the 2009 interns to take savor the summer and make the most of your internship experience by learning as much as possible on the engagements and keeping in touch with your fellow interns and teammates. For those who were interns at Deloitte, why not send an email or call up someone from your summer past.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Things I Have
Excerpts of an article submitted to the Company Newsletter in April.
I have a lot of things in life. I have the full collection of “Now that’s what I call Music” compilation series. I have an extensive closet of Victorian era costumes for my pet rabbit, affectionately named Jane Austen Thumper. I have unedited footage for a Public Access television show I am piloting entitled “Reconcile Yo Mama,” which combines my three loves in life – auditing, break dancing, and yo mama jokes.*
*Basically, you have to use FASB excerpts to insult people’s moms while break dancing. I.e. Yo mama’s so dumb, she failed sale on FAS 140, and we had to consolidate her. Yo mama’s so big, we tried to hedge her exposure. Yo mama’s so dumb, she heard about fx translation and thought it was a new language she could learn from Rosetta Stone.
I have a lot of things in life. I have the full collection of “Now that’s what I call Music” compilation series. I have an extensive closet of Victorian era costumes for my pet rabbit, affectionately named Jane Austen Thumper. I have unedited footage for a Public Access television show I am piloting entitled “Reconcile Yo Mama,” which combines my three loves in life – auditing, break dancing, and yo mama jokes.*
*Basically, you have to use FASB excerpts to insult people’s moms while break dancing. I.e. Yo mama’s so dumb, she failed sale on FAS 140, and we had to consolidate her. Yo mama’s so big, we tried to hedge her exposure. Yo mama’s so dumb, she heard about fx translation and thought it was a new language she could learn from Rosetta Stone.
Top Ten Ways to Spend Your Tax Return
Submitted to Company Newsletter for April
Tax season came and went, and some of us may be expecting a refund. Now you’re sitting around in a quandary. How can to spend it? Below are a few suggestions.
1. TurboTax asked me if I wanted to apply my refund to pay income taxes for the current year. Yeah right.
2. Invest it. They say you should make your money work for you. That’s why I pour my spare cash into Beanie Babies. Their values will skyrocket, especially when Pinky the Panda becomes the new universal currency.
3. Buy bumper stickers declaring “Not all CPAs do taxes, so quit asking me for advice.”
4. Give up and enroll in some tax courses, so then you can actually give some tax advice.
5. Purchase the new limited edition Water Cooler Archives – Uncut and Uncensored. I will be selling the copies, er um, publications on the corner of Essex and Delancey for $20.
6. Headshots. The world of public accounting needs more glamour. Why hand out business cards at walkthroughs, when you can be handing out an 8x10 black and white of your face? It’s the only way to get leading roles.
7. Give it to the next Junior Achievement bowling email asking for donations.
8. Hire a high schooler to submit your timesheets for you each Friday.
9. Treat yourself.
10. More useful suggestions on how to spend your tax refund.
Tax season came and went, and some of us may be expecting a refund. Now you’re sitting around in a quandary. How can to spend it? Below are a few suggestions.
1. TurboTax asked me if I wanted to apply my refund to pay income taxes for the current year. Yeah right.
2. Invest it. They say you should make your money work for you. That’s why I pour my spare cash into Beanie Babies. Their values will skyrocket, especially when Pinky the Panda becomes the new universal currency.
3. Buy bumper stickers declaring “Not all CPAs do taxes, so quit asking me for advice.”
4. Give up and enroll in some tax courses, so then you can actually give some tax advice.
5. Purchase the new limited edition Water Cooler Archives – Uncut and Uncensored. I will be selling the copies, er um, publications on the corner of Essex and Delancey for $20.
6. Headshots. The world of public accounting needs more glamour. Why hand out business cards at walkthroughs, when you can be handing out an 8x10 black and white of your face? It’s the only way to get leading roles.
7. Give it to the next Junior Achievement bowling email asking for donations.
8. Hire a high schooler to submit your timesheets for you each Friday.
9. Treat yourself.
10. More useful suggestions on how to spend your tax refund.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Busy Season Withdrawal
Submitted to Company Newsletter
Let’s talk about something real. Withdrawal. It happens every year after busy season. The email floods slow down, the alarm clock goes off a little later, you actually see friends and family after work. It’s awkward, right? Before long your fingers start itching, you start checking your email late at night hoping someone sent you a request, and you ask your roommate to create some fictitious spreadsheets for you to audit.
It’s a condition known in the medical community as Busy Season Withdrawal (BSW or BS-dubs), which afflicts up to .04% of left handed accountants who live along the Topic of Cancer. Symptoms include a desire to pass around a menu and ask people for their take-out requests and a tendency call and confirm if people really did send you the fax they just sent you.
After suffering for maybe 5 minutes last year, I wrote a book called Letting Love Go: How to Deal with the End of Busy Season. In it, I outline various ways to deal with the disorder. Below are some key suggestions.
It’s a tough world out there, especially after busy season ends. Please let me know if you have further questions about BSW or if you are interested in purchasing a copy of the book Letting Love Go. I might be able to scrounge up a couple Xeroxed copies in my cousin’s car.
Let’s talk about something real. Withdrawal. It happens every year after busy season. The email floods slow down, the alarm clock goes off a little later, you actually see friends and family after work. It’s awkward, right? Before long your fingers start itching, you start checking your email late at night hoping someone sent you a request, and you ask your roommate to create some fictitious spreadsheets for you to audit.
It’s a condition known in the medical community as Busy Season Withdrawal (BSW or BS-dubs), which afflicts up to .04% of left handed accountants who live along the Topic of Cancer. Symptoms include a desire to pass around a menu and ask people for their take-out requests and a tendency call and confirm if people really did send you the fax they just sent you.
After suffering for maybe 5 minutes last year, I wrote a book called Letting Love Go: How to Deal with the End of Busy Season. In it, I outline various ways to deal with the disorder. Below are some key suggestions.
- Mock audit. Remember when you had moot court in high school where you argued your stances on the juvenile justice system? Same thing. Get some members of your engagement team together and relive your glory days.
- Carry a dummy 10-key. I had my first year cut off a square from her jacket and outline in white-out the keys of my 10-key. When I am out and start to miss busy season, I pull the rolled up dummy calculator out of my pocket and place it on the bar or restaurant table or subway seat next to me and start entering the data. It’s just a release to keep the fingers nimble during the off-season.
- Consider switching hemispheres. I am not sure how this works, but I have a theory. Ms. Mathison taught me seasons and how the crazy world works. In her third grade class, I learned when it’s summer here, it’s winter in Zimbabwe. When it’s winter here, it’s summer in Tierra del Fuego. Assuming this holds constant, if it’s not busy season here, would it be busy season in Zimbabwe? Consider me applying for the transfer.
It’s a tough world out there, especially after busy season ends. Please let me know if you have further questions about BSW or if you are interested in purchasing a copy of the book Letting Love Go. I might be able to scrounge up a couple Xeroxed copies in my cousin’s car.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
November Update
I have not written an update since Peru, so here goes… in chronological order.
Peruvian Vestiges: How South America Changed My Life.
I left the Peru with priceless memories, new friends, and a wealth of unique experiences. What I did not leave Peru with was my work phone. This misfortune resulted in over $6,600 in stolen phone charges for calls made from Peru, Columbia, Venezuela, and Mexico. AT&T will not waive these charges on a work phone, and I have to take it up with my employer. Things are not looking good. Cost of trip - a little under $1,500. Cost of involvement with South American drug trade - $8,000 ($6,600 in stolen phone charges and $1,400 in legal fees should the DEA prosecute me).
Upgrade: We Might Be Up to Central Heating in About 20 More Moves.
I did not receive the hand-written letters and care packages you have sent the past month since I moved back in October. Let me recount how it all unfolded:
Monday: Receive call from roommate Sarah Lindenberg instructing me to not pay rent for the month
Tuesday: Sarah looks at an apartment in the Lower East Side and talks the broker down from $3,300/month + $3,000 broker fee to $3,000/month + no broker fee. She has skills.
Wednesday: Fill out paperwork and sign lease.
Thursday: Move.
Conclusion: we picked up ceilings high enough to walk upright uninhibited, a sink we do not have to use for the bathroom and kitchen, a bedroom wider than my arm span, and an additional roommate, Annabel. Win, win, win, win all around.
We Hope You Enjoy Your Stay: Because Meanwhile Some Stranger is Auditing the Sh*t Out of Us.
This brings me to the now. I have spent the past week auditing a hotel chain. I just show up solo, ask for the controller and have two days to audit the hell out of them. Tablecloths – depreciate over one year. Items left behind by guests – debit goods to resell and credit other sources of revenue. The valuation adjustment for spoilage of complimentary cookies and chocolates on your pillow, an allowance for clean-up after the annual Mold Removal Convention. There are entries for this.
I have met many characters on these excursions. My favorite is a thirty-four year old controller who invites me out for drinks at 5:00 p.m., though I return afterwards to keep working. During one of these happy hours at the bar in the nearby mall, she stands up and shows me the various tattoos emblazoned across body parts rarely exposed to light, especially not in public. "This one was when I separated from my husband." "These rose petals have the initials of my cats and my grandparents." "I got this one to help me get through my bankruptcy." It was all a cry for help. I loved her. I love America.
Farewell: Near, Far, Wherever You Are; You are Safe in My Heart and My Heart Will Go On.
I am finalizing the design for my holiday card and accompanying ink pen. Please provide your mailing address. Even if I sent you one last year, please resend your address.
Peruvian Vestiges: How South America Changed My Life.
I left the Peru with priceless memories, new friends, and a wealth of unique experiences. What I did not leave Peru with was my work phone. This misfortune resulted in over $6,600 in stolen phone charges for calls made from Peru, Columbia, Venezuela, and Mexico. AT&T will not waive these charges on a work phone, and I have to take it up with my employer. Things are not looking good. Cost of trip - a little under $1,500. Cost of involvement with South American drug trade - $8,000 ($6,600 in stolen phone charges and $1,400 in legal fees should the DEA prosecute me).
Upgrade: We Might Be Up to Central Heating in About 20 More Moves.
I did not receive the hand-written letters and care packages you have sent the past month since I moved back in October. Let me recount how it all unfolded:
Monday: Receive call from roommate Sarah Lindenberg instructing me to not pay rent for the month
Tuesday: Sarah looks at an apartment in the Lower East Side and talks the broker down from $3,300/month + $3,000 broker fee to $3,000/month + no broker fee. She has skills.
Wednesday: Fill out paperwork and sign lease.
Thursday: Move.
Conclusion: we picked up ceilings high enough to walk upright uninhibited, a sink we do not have to use for the bathroom and kitchen, a bedroom wider than my arm span, and an additional roommate, Annabel. Win, win, win, win all around.
We Hope You Enjoy Your Stay: Because Meanwhile Some Stranger is Auditing the Sh*t Out of Us.
This brings me to the now. I have spent the past week auditing a hotel chain. I just show up solo, ask for the controller and have two days to audit the hell out of them. Tablecloths – depreciate over one year. Items left behind by guests – debit goods to resell and credit other sources of revenue. The valuation adjustment for spoilage of complimentary cookies and chocolates on your pillow, an allowance for clean-up after the annual Mold Removal Convention. There are entries for this.
I have met many characters on these excursions. My favorite is a thirty-four year old controller who invites me out for drinks at 5:00 p.m., though I return afterwards to keep working. During one of these happy hours at the bar in the nearby mall, she stands up and shows me the various tattoos emblazoned across body parts rarely exposed to light, especially not in public. "This one was when I separated from my husband." "These rose petals have the initials of my cats and my grandparents." "I got this one to help me get through my bankruptcy." It was all a cry for help. I loved her. I love America.
Farewell: Near, Far, Wherever You Are; You are Safe in My Heart and My Heart Will Go On.
I am finalizing the design for my holiday card and accompanying ink pen. Please provide your mailing address. Even if I sent you one last year, please resend your address.
August Update
It's been a while since my last update.
By reading this email, you are acknowledging this message cannot be forwarded to:
Anyone at my work, especially if they are members of an Asian accounting society
Anyone affiliated with P.S. 243
Anyone on my roommate's tennis team
Saturday, August 16, 2008 – Asian Accounting Society Convention
Friday afternoon I receive an email from a manager at work asking for assistance putting together the slides for an accounting convention. I show up Saturday morning at the Grand Hyatt. Turns out it's an Asian Accounting Society Convention. Between the intermittent exchanges in foreign languages, I sense they are arguing back and forth. Awkward. So this is how I spend Saturday morning, surrounded by strangers speaking broken English, instructing me to type dates and such into Powerpoint slides and fake laughing at accounting jokes.
"I don't know if you want to order lunch at Cosi; did you see Footnote 7 in their 2005 10-K?"
I don't know, but the woman across from me isn't even Asian. I am thinking about making a motion to throw her out.
Thursday, August 21, 2008 – P.S. 243
New York has an annual community service day where flabby, pale cubicle dwellers attempt to paint a mural on the cafeteria wall of an underprivileged school, while wearing oversized t-shirts with their company logos emblazoned across the chest. This allows them to pat themselves on the back having painted the shape of a monkey green while dripping paint all over the gym floor.
I participated last year and had a good time and signed up again this year. I receive an invitation to an orientation on Thursday. Turns out, I inadvertently enrolled as a site captain. I'm scared. I have no clue what I am doing. So if anyone wants to show up on the day of and help me out, let me know. The event is on Saturday, October 18; the school is somewhere in Brooklyn. See you there.
Saturday, August 23, 2008 – I'll get your hair did.
Arthur Ashe Kids Day is one of the opening events for the U.S. Open. My roommate's tennis team volunteers every year. Sarah, co-habitant of 112 MacDougal, was selected at CBS to cover the National Conventions and had to leave for Denver – kinda like how I was selected to copy regulatory calculations at work and had to leave for the 4th floor but more prestigious. Therefore, I filled in for her at the event.
Saturday morning I find myself in Flushing Queens wearing a medium men's polo shirt. The team leader for the event, wouldn't let me tuck in the shirt because I "disregarded" her instructions and wore non-khaki colored shorts and I could "get her in trouble." So here I am supposed to greet kids and families looking like I am not wearing any pants.
They have face painting and hair braiding and other attractions at this Kids Day festival. The hair braiding booth was late; they didn't bring enough people. I was recruited. They taught me how to weave and bead hair. So I spent four hours Saturday morning in Flushing Queens, surrounded by a Caribbean family, weaving hot pink polyester hair and beads into strangers' hair, sans pants.
Let me know if you want your hair weaved. I do events, bat mitzvahs, weddings, etc.
Saturday, August 30, 2008 – America?
I am leaving for Peru. It says it's still in America, but I cannot find it anywhere on the map. I guess it's probably by Hawaii. It's my birthday present from myself. I'll send an email update while I'm down there.
Saturday, September 6, 2008 – Lots of Motion in Multiple Directions
I'll be back from Peru and want to go dancing. Please let me know if you can make it on the 6th and I'll email you more details.
It's been real. Hope you're all doing well.
By reading this email, you are acknowledging this message cannot be forwarded to:
Anyone at my work, especially if they are members of an Asian accounting society
Anyone affiliated with P.S. 243
Anyone on my roommate's tennis team
Saturday, August 16, 2008 – Asian Accounting Society Convention
Friday afternoon I receive an email from a manager at work asking for assistance putting together the slides for an accounting convention. I show up Saturday morning at the Grand Hyatt. Turns out it's an Asian Accounting Society Convention. Between the intermittent exchanges in foreign languages, I sense they are arguing back and forth. Awkward. So this is how I spend Saturday morning, surrounded by strangers speaking broken English, instructing me to type dates and such into Powerpoint slides and fake laughing at accounting jokes.
"I don't know if you want to order lunch at Cosi; did you see Footnote 7 in their 2005 10-K?"
I don't know, but the woman across from me isn't even Asian. I am thinking about making a motion to throw her out.
Thursday, August 21, 2008 – P.S. 243
New York has an annual community service day where flabby, pale cubicle dwellers attempt to paint a mural on the cafeteria wall of an underprivileged school, while wearing oversized t-shirts with their company logos emblazoned across the chest. This allows them to pat themselves on the back having painted the shape of a monkey green while dripping paint all over the gym floor.
I participated last year and had a good time and signed up again this year. I receive an invitation to an orientation on Thursday. Turns out, I inadvertently enrolled as a site captain. I'm scared. I have no clue what I am doing. So if anyone wants to show up on the day of and help me out, let me know. The event is on Saturday, October 18; the school is somewhere in Brooklyn. See you there.
Saturday, August 23, 2008 – I'll get your hair did.
Arthur Ashe Kids Day is one of the opening events for the U.S. Open. My roommate's tennis team volunteers every year. Sarah, co-habitant of 112 MacDougal, was selected at CBS to cover the National Conventions and had to leave for Denver – kinda like how I was selected to copy regulatory calculations at work and had to leave for the 4th floor but more prestigious. Therefore, I filled in for her at the event.
Saturday morning I find myself in Flushing Queens wearing a medium men's polo shirt. The team leader for the event, wouldn't let me tuck in the shirt because I "disregarded" her instructions and wore non-khaki colored shorts and I could "get her in trouble." So here I am supposed to greet kids and families looking like I am not wearing any pants.
They have face painting and hair braiding and other attractions at this Kids Day festival. The hair braiding booth was late; they didn't bring enough people. I was recruited. They taught me how to weave and bead hair. So I spent four hours Saturday morning in Flushing Queens, surrounded by a Caribbean family, weaving hot pink polyester hair and beads into strangers' hair, sans pants.
Let me know if you want your hair weaved. I do events, bat mitzvahs, weddings, etc.
Saturday, August 30, 2008 – America?
I am leaving for Peru. It says it's still in America, but I cannot find it anywhere on the map. I guess it's probably by Hawaii. It's my birthday present from myself. I'll send an email update while I'm down there.
Saturday, September 6, 2008 – Lots of Motion in Multiple Directions
I'll be back from Peru and want to go dancing. Please let me know if you can make it on the 6th and I'll email you more details.
It's been real. Hope you're all doing well.
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