Open Letter to the Managing Partner

I found this in my email this week. I guess I wrote it for the Company Newsletter a year ago, but maybe they wouldn't let me include it or something.

An Open Letter to the Managing Partner:

It's Monday afternoon. Between catching up on all the work I intended to complete over the weekend yet never touched and counting down the hours until the next weekend, I receive an email. Has Jake Gyllenhaal finally replied to my fan emails? Or will it just be another notification of the restraining order Mr. Gyllenhaal has issued against me? Will it be an email from kids at the high school down the block apologizing for mugging me for my KFC bucket of wings? Or will it be a message from the KFC agreeing to lace the coleslaw order with Crayolas and burnt cat hair the next time the punk kids order?

No, it's a message from Mr. Morrissey notifying me, yet again, of a tardy timesheet.

Hi, Ed. You seem like a nice enough guy, and I'm a somewhat earnest employee. You seem to care about time sheets, so I can care about time sheets. I have done some thinking and have some ideas on increasing time sheet submissions:

Time sheets remind me of when I worked at the blackberry orchard when I was thirteen. We always submitted them on time. When you're making $2.50/hour, you want every penny of it. There's something about physically punching a time clock. Maybe if someone could physically bring me a time clock and card, I'd stamp it on time. We also got a commission of sorts at the orchard - fifty cents for every quart of blackberries picked.

Maybe you could sweeten the deal with a quarter for every time I WAU on time.You know what makes time sheets tough - figuring out the most appropriate charge code. I have some ideas of new charge codes I could really use. If I could allocate some time to scrapbooking, rehearsing magic tricks, or aerophilately (the collecting airmail stamps), I'd definitely submit more timely time sheets.

My mom used to give us sticker charts growing up. Every time I did the dishes, Bonnie gave me a ladybug sticker. When I am home for the holidays, I can ask her if she has any more stickers if you want to dole them out as incentives. Anyway, just some thoughts. Maybe I will make timely time sheets my New Year's Resolution, right after getting Jake Gyllenhaal to reverse that cease and desist order. 2009 is going to be huge.