Top Ten Ways to Spend Your Tax Return

Submitted to Company Newsletter for April

Tax season came and went, and some of us may be expecting a refund. Now you’re sitting around in a quandary. How can to spend it? Below are a few suggestions.
1. TurboTax asked me if I wanted to apply my refund to pay income taxes for the current year. Yeah right.
2. Invest it. They say you should make your money work for you. That’s why I pour my spare cash into Beanie Babies. Their values will skyrocket, especially when Pinky the Panda becomes the new universal currency.
3. Buy bumper stickers declaring “Not all CPAs do taxes, so quit asking me for advice.”
4. Give up and enroll in some tax courses, so then you can actually give some tax advice.
5. Purchase the new limited edition Water Cooler Archives – Uncut and Uncensored. I will be selling the copies, er um, publications on the corner of Essex and Delancey for $20.
6. Headshots. The world of public accounting needs more glamour. Why hand out business cards at walkthroughs, when you can be handing out an 8x10 black and white of your face? It’s the only way to get leading roles.
7. Give it to the next Junior Achievement bowling email asking for donations.
8. Hire a high schooler to submit your timesheets for you each Friday.
9. Treat yourself.
10. More useful suggestions on how to spend your tax refund.

California Update

Sent on 4/10/2009

I have been in California for the past week visiting my best friend Brent.

Interesting Night
We spent a couple nights in San Pedro staying with Howie, a friend who lived in a Norwegian church. Fortunately, I know one phrase in Norwegian; it means "I love Norway." Thanks, Andreas and Ingvld.

Howie hosted a potluck for the Gay Christian Network of Los Angeles. Brent and I made Sangria for the event, only to discover it was a dry event. The event was predominantly white, gay males, so I guess I was a minority of a minority of a minority. I was also the hottest girl there, aka, the only girl there. It was fun.

Don't Doubt Me: Sometimes I actually follow through on plans
Some of you may know I am running a half-marathon at the end of April with roommates and friends. Some of you may know that I have not tried this running thing. Don't doubt me. I have been running for two to three hours a day for five of the past seven days.

What I have seen on my runs:
1. Homeless people running with me with their backpacks. Brent pointed out I always wear the same clothes when I run, so they probably think I am homeless too.
2. Where Baywatch was shot.
3. A lot of beach. Yeah, they can be boring. I mainly black out on the runs.

Coming Attractions: What I am most looking forward to in the rest of my trip in chronological order
1. Accounting TA reunion with Eva Weerts
2. Brugges hostel mate from 2006 reunion with Rachel Rudwall
3. Santa Monica Public Library Scrabble and Bridge club on Mondays at 1:00 p.m.

Valentines Day Pick Up Lines - Auditors

Submitted in company newsletter

Top Ten Pick-up Lines

1. Your name is my Outlook password. I just add another number every ninety days when it makes me change it. I'm up to 27.
   
2. I knew you were the one when I saw your profile on D Street.
   
3. Your tickmarks are informative yet concise.
   
4. What’s your favorite footnote?
   
5. Your Schedulink profile is my start up page.
   
6. Maybe I could take you out for a nice dinner sometime… as long as it doesn’t exceed $12 combined and I have worked the requisite 12 hour day.
   
7. I noticed you don’t get out much, and it’s probably because you’re working so much, but I am going to pretend it’s because you’re waiting for me to show you around town.
   
8. Is your cell phone number 1-800 DELOITTE because you are just so knowledgeable.
   
9. You could be the sixth assertion. Existence, Completeness, Valuation, Presentation, Rights & Obligations, and Perfection.
   
10. If you were a section of the MD&A, you’d be Value at Risk, emphasis on the Value.
    

Busy Season Withdrawal

Submitted to Company Newsletter

Let’s talk about something real. Withdrawal. It happens every year after busy season. The email floods slow down, the alarm clock goes off a little later, you actually see friends and family after work. It’s awkward, right? Before long your fingers start itching, you start checking your email late at night hoping someone sent you a request, and you ask your roommate to create some fictitious spreadsheets for you to audit.

It’s a condition known in the medical community as Busy Season Withdrawal (BSW or BS-dubs), which afflicts up to .04% of left handed accountants who live along the Topic of Cancer. Symptoms include a desire to pass around a menu and ask people for their take-out requests and a tendency call and confirm if people really did send you the fax they just sent you.

After suffering for maybe 5 minutes last year, I wrote a book called Letting Love Go: How to Deal with the End of Busy Season. In it, I outline various ways to deal with the disorder. Below are some key suggestions.

1. Mock audit. Remember when you had moot court in high school where you argued your stances on the juvenile justice system? Same thing. Get some members of your engagement team together and relive your glory days.
2. Carry a dummy 10-key. I had my first year cut off a square from her jacket and outline in white-out the keys of my 10-key. When I am out and start to miss busy season, I pull the rolled up dummy calculator out of my pocket and place it on the bar or restaurant table or subway seat next to me and start entering the data. It’s just a release to keep the fingers nimble during the off-season.
3. Consider switching hemispheres. I am not sure how this works, but I have a theory. Ms. Mathison taught me seasons and how the crazy world works. In her third grade class, I learned when it’s summer here, it’s winter in Zimbabwe. When it’s winter here, it’s summer in Tierra del Fuego. Assuming this holds constant, if it’s not busy season here, would it be busy season in Zimbabwe? Consider me applying for the transfer.

It’s a tough world out there, especially after busy season ends. Please let me know if you have further questions about BSW or if you are interested in purchasing a copy of the book Letting Love Go. I might be able to scrounge up a couple Xeroxed copies in my cousin’s car.

Mama Mexico Gift Certificate

So my coworker Phoenix Chan won a Mama Mexico gift certificate for $100. She is trying to sell it. Below are more details. Let us know if you're interested.

Mama Mexico Gift Certificate

Do you like your Mom? Do you like Mexicans? Do you wish your Mom was Mexican? If so, you’ll find yourself supremely interested in this $100 gift certificate to New York’s finest restaurant - Mama Mexico with locations in Uptown, Midtown and New Jersey.**

The legendary Huevos Rancheros are known to reconfigure your computer to DOS, bead your nose hair, and make your guinea pig live 35% longer. Mama Mexico’s Mama Pancakes, topped with banana, strawberry and maple syrup – in Mexican, it’s called platano, fresa, y jarabe de arce – will give you a sense of warmth and security comparable to a Snuggie®.

Link to menu - http://www.mamamexico.com/

Order now and I will throw in a couple mechanical pencils and post-its to sweeten up the deal since I am writing this from work. Right now the gift certificate (face value of $100) is going for $200. Mention this ad and receive [50% + (π/100)] off (53.14%).

Alright. Here’s the deal. I won this in a raffle. I’d use the gift certificate, but the thing is, my computer runs on 86-DOS (the disk operating system’s precursor), my nose hair is dreaded not beaded and my guinea pig is a tester for resveratrol and will probably already outlive me. Also, Mama (me not the restaurant) needs to move inventory so I will have some cash to purchase the Love Guru on DVD. Make it happen.

** Check out all three locations in the Tri-State area. Order within the next 15 minutes, and receive an excel spreadsheet to allow you to budget out your meals to ensure you have ample funds to enjoy all three luxurious locations.

Top Ten Review Notes

This was for an article for the company newsletter.

I have received quite the number of review notes in my day. Some are harsh , deservedly so, some are more just suggestions. Either way, below are a few of my more notable comments received.

1. Sometimes I wish you were good at your job. That’s not really a question, so I went ahead and closed the review note for you.
2. I didn’t really review this workpaper seeing as how we WAU-ed it a couple months ago.
3. Interesting. I have actually never seen the adjective “sexy” used in the 1540: Understand the Computer Processing Environment document, but somehow, you really make it work.
4. I must admit I have never seen tickmarks written in the font Wing Dings, but I guess when the client only speaks Klingon, it’s sometimes hard to put in writing.
5. I guess it’s easier to archive when you never did it in the first place.
6. Next time you do an analytic, you should use the financials from the company you’re auditing. You’ll notice it’ll be easier to compare the year-over-year change.
7. If you’re going to outsource your inventory count memo to mid 90’s R&B sensation Salt-n-Pepa, at least have them sign off as Cheryl James, Deidra Roper, and Sandra Denton, not just SNP.
8. The trick about referring to manual workpapers is that you have to actually have manual workpapers.
9. I must have told you a thousand times, but if you’re going to keep volunteering for Junior Achievement, you have to quit teaching Ms. Wilcox’s third grade class how to perform CMA sample selections. I can always tell; they aren’t too keen on the decimals.
10. Even if you do make the client dress up as Confederate general and reenact the surrender at Appomattox, you still can’t just say “Per discussion with Robert E. Lee on April 9, 1865.”

To Be Famous

This was for an article in the Company Newsletter.

I just watched the Oscars. I’d like to be famous. I think I’d look lovely in a vintage Oscar de la Renta. Have you heard me in a SOX walkthrough? I could easily bring home a Best Supporting Actress.

As I Google famous movie quotes this late Sunday evening, I reminisce over some of my career-defining quotes. While dressing as Braveheart’s William Wallace brought a sense of dignity and gravity to the meeting, my belting out “Freedom” mid-walkthrough proved more uncomfortable for the client than I had anticipated. And while, everyone loved my “Life is like a box of chocolates” quote at the weekly status meeting, they seemed rather grossed out when I arrived the next week with Darryl Hanna mermaid garb. Of course Splash was never critically acclaimed; I just wanted an excuse to for not washing my hair for a week and reeking of seaweed.

And so here I sit. Pondering – how can I reach the red carpet? How can I become famous? A couple initiatives I am working on:

I added TMZ to the speed dial at work. Whenever, I do something noteworthy, I have my first year report it to TMZ. “I just spotted Tara Hagan at 49th and Park on the 11th floor creating leadsheets.” “It looks like Tara Hagan was released from rehab, and the first thing she went back to was substantive analytical procedures. It looks like a relapse.” “She just shaved her head.”

I start crazy dating rumors about myself and send them into the tabloids – Photoshop concoctions of me at my desk with Robert Downey Jr. hanging off my arm, me copying bank statements while Hugh Jackman lovingly admires my ability to collate, me reading the file check report over brunch at Per Se with Perfect Strangers’ Bronson Pinchot. It sounds far-fetched now, but when you’re reading it on Perez next month, you’ll be upset you didn’t think of it first.

I know these two tricks might not get me anywhere, but if you Google famous accountants, you’ll discover John Grisham and Kenny G. I figure, this column counts for writing; I just need to take up the sax, and I should be set on becoming the most famous accountant in the world. Watch yourselves, paparazzi. Consider my workpaper sign-offs autographs.