One Year Anniversary

So yesterday was my one-year anniversary of what my college friends call my “big girl job.” This in turn unleashed a flood of questions – Am I any better at my job after a year? Have I enjoyed the past year? Where the hell did all the time go? Why do I not have any money saved? I thought after breaking the minimum wage hurdle, I’d be rolling in the cash.

I then began to contemplate what I was doing a year ago today – working at a peach orchard. I loved that job. I learned how to drive a tractor and repair irrigation lines after the coyotes attacked.

The highlights from last summer – I got hit by a car, I saved a man’s life, I had an allergic reaction to my sunglasses, and I started a company newsletter (circulation four). The best part? I got paid in peaches. Jackpot, non taxable.

Final India Update

We have returned to Mumbai to wrap up our last days in India.

Ferry Racing

Towards the end of our hour-long ferry ride from Elephanta Island to Mumbai, we notice the ferry suspiciously close to us is racing us. Their passengers all stand up and move to the front of the ferry and begin taking pictures of us, hoping to overtake our noble vessel. Gordon and I will have none of this.

Other nearby passengers also grow worried about losing this impromptu race. Gordon yells to the ship "We need to lose some weight. Women and children overboard!" He then begins a slow chant "Hut! Hut! Hut!" - Hindi for "Move! Move! Move!" It's one of two phrases he knows.

As our ship speeds up and wins the race, a definite cheer emerges from our deck. Drenched in the briny filth characteristic of the Arabian Sea, Gordon told everyone he's never been so proud to be Indian.

Fashion

Repulsed by the high cost of haircuts in New York, I decide to find a hair salon in Mumbai. Ah yes, Touch of Joy. It was recommended by the man on the street.

Waiting in the chair, I begin leafing through the fashion magazines to find the haircut I would like. Unfortunately, they only offered obscure Indian glamour publications featuring Bollywood stars. I realize I do not have long enough hair for a Bollywood bob and begin searching through my personal stash of reading materials. Unfortunately, all I brought was the July 7th issue of the Economist. Being it was the poverty issue, it wasn't too heavy on the hotties. I finally had to settle for page 84 - an ad for the Advanced Management Program at Wharton. It features a seasoned, business-savvy, Hillary Clinton look-alike. I hope it starts a trend.

India Update 4

2 the number of t-shirts Gordon packed for two weeks in India

10 the number of t-shirts Gordon has bought in India (6 of the Taj Mahal, 2 of Hatis (elephants), 1 from Hard Rock, and 1 that proclaims "Proud to be Indian"). This seals Gordon's "hopelessly a tourist" look.

Cruising
Like Pushkar, Jaipur bans meat, alcohol, parties, and dancing. Our driver Lucky knew we were down about the lacking night life of Jaipur, so he drove around town blaring Hindi pop music with the windows down. Gordon and I actually knew all the words to the songs as it has been the only tape Lucky has played during our past six days together. So we spent our last night in Jaipur driving around town while other citizens stared at us singing along to the musical stylings of Aap Aar Suroor. It was like being in high school again and driving around Lake Eufaula in the summer.

India Update 2

A lot has definitely happened since the last email.

1. We took an overnight train to Delhi. That's code for we endured 20 hours of people staring at us.
2. We hired a travel company to plan a week for us and give us a driver.
3. Gordon has been seen about town sporting his "Proud to Be Indian" t-shirt.
4. To follow-up on the last email, Gordon went back to the scene of the crime and bought the Google book for a good chunk of change and gave the kid a little extra. The kid then began carressing Gordon and telling him he's "very handsome."

Lucky

Our new driver and best friend is Lucky. Lucky informs us he has over 100 MySpace friends, which is a lot we think. Mr. Popular knows everybody everywhere. His catchphrase is "Everything is possible in India." Case in point, "Lucky, was that car going the wrong way on the highway?" Response "Everything is possible in India."

Drugs

Last night we went to a Bollywood movie. During intermission, some kids our age walk by and start saying stuff to Gordon. Gordon yells out "Konichiwa" and people around us laugh. Lucky then informs us the kids are drug dealers and are inviting Gordon to join them outside. Lucky instructs us to ignore them when they come back because he doesn't want to have to defend us should a fight break. Gordon replies with "That's why you should have let me buy that dagger earlier today."

On our drive from Agra to see the Taj Mahal to Jaipur, we pull over to some sketchy hut. Lucky has run into a friend, who is driving a couple of kids from Holland about our age in his car. We talk to the Hollanders for quite a while. At one point, they tell us of a drink called a bhaang lassi -- a legal yogurt and marajuana drink. We get back in the car and ask Lucky "Is it true? Is there a drink called a bhaang lassi? Is it true that if you drink it, you'll pass out and find all your possessions stolen when you wake up?" He replied with "Yes, I promise to get you one in Pushkar." We ask "Is it legal?" Lucky responds, "Everything is possible in India."

India Update 1

After a seventeen hour flight was extended by 3 hours, Gordon and I arrived in Mumbai at 4 in the morning. Lindyn was going to meet us at the airport but had taken ill. So we decided to stay at a convent with this man we'd met back at London Heathrow.

Today on our cab ride into town, a kid was selling books on the street. While we're waiting in traffic he comes to the passenger window. Gordon inquires about a book in this hands -- Google something or other. The kid really wants to make a sale and tells Gordon it's in English. Gordon doubts the kid and says it's not in English and forces the child to open the plastic wrapper. His hands are too full to open the wrapper, so he hits it on his head to loosen the plastic. It is in English. Gordon pages through the book and decides he wants it. The kid says 450 rupees (about $11). At this point, the light has changed and the cars start moving. The cab drives away with Gordon holding the child's book. Gordon screams out "I'm never going to see you again." The driver grabs the book out of Gordon's hands and tosses it out the window, across the highway. Not only did Gordon doubt the kid and force him to open the book, but reneged on a sale and left the book across a highway. Great.

My Journey to Attain 60% Hep A Immunity

I'm going to India this afternoon, but the journey really started when I decided to get a Hepatitis Vaccination. Because I failed to get both shots in time for the trip, I am only 60% immune to hep A. None of these stories are exaggerations. They’re real.

Attempt 1 / in the middle of May / Doctor’s Office in Midtown
I waited in the office for two hours, the doctor took a blood test to see if I needed a vaccination. She never called me back, never returned my calls, her voicemail doesn’t even work. Never go to Isabel Souffrant.

Attempt 2 / last week / Department of Health in Harlem
It was listed online as a walk-in clinic to get free hepatitis vaccinations. It was really an STD clinic. I waited in the line marked FREE STD TESTING with high-schoolers and some old guy and watched cartoons about STDs only to find out they only gave hepatitis B vaccinations.

Attempt 3 / yesterday morning / Clinic in Flushing, Queens
As a last minute resort, a coworker gave me the number for a clinic open on Sundays. I made it out to Flushing, Queens at 9:45am yesterday (Sunday). I loved the doctor’s office. No one spoke English. I witnessed one woman pay with zucchini and another man pay with pirated DVDs.

They asked me if I wanted an EKG. I said okay. A woman motions for me to follow her out the clinic, down the street, around a KFC (Kenny’s Fried Chicken), up some back stairways in another building, into some other doctor’s office, and I don’t think I can type what went down in there.

When I did get the vaccine, I was in the waiting room. A nurse comes out, sits next to me, pulls up my sleeve, and gives me the shot right there in the waiting room. I didn’t even get a band-aid. It was awesome. I loved that office.

I feel awful. I started taking malaria pills. Bye.

While in the Elevator

Inspired by a chapter in the David Sedaris book Me Talk Pretty One Day, I discovered the joy in making embarrassing comments to coworkers while in public areas -- the cafeteria, the elevator, the restroom. Just say them in the elevator full of strangers and bask in the awkwardness.

Special thanks to Whitney and Gordon for their contributions.

1. So, are you getting refunded for your Kelly Clarkson concert tickets?
2. So, if you go to the strip club, is it weird seeing your mom performing?
3. No, I think 16 is the age of consent, so you are safe.
4. Don’t worry, I’m sure lots of people get rejected from American Idol twice
5. Okay, so which Build-A-Bear are you having your birthday party at?
6. So, are your shirts looser now without your back hair?
7. Get pregnant. It will keep him from leaving you.
8. You didn’t even know his name? What time did he leave this morning?
9. If I were you, I would just go to a free clinic. VDs wait for no one.
10. How’s your “Free Paris Hilton” campaign going?
11. Wait, so why aren’t you allowed back in the Netherlands?
12. No, your milkshake doesn't bring the boys to the yard.
13. Tell us about the time you blacked out again.
14. No, drinking tea doesn't stop the spread...you're screwed.
15. Can you finally wear sandals now? Or is the growth still there?
16. Being hairy is considered erotic in many cultures. I'm sure no one will mind.
17. No, I don't think that act can be considered sex.
18. I'm so proud of you. The first male waiter at hooters. That's some sort of milestone eh?
19. Don't worry; I don't think your kids will inherit that.
20. So, do you know of anyone else besides you who still collects Beanie Babies?
21. Oh, I’m sure you aren’t the only one who actually thought Mary Magdalene was entombed under the Louvre.
22. Yeah, it’s good you are only sharing needles with people you know.
23. How many vacation days do you have left? I know you took that impromptu personal day back in February when Anna Nicole Smith died.
24. You have a drug test in a few days right? Well, you better keep gulping that water.
25. Oh, so YOU’RE the one who broke the electric stapler on the 15th floor...(Insert whatever electronic is broken on whatever floor you are on)
26. I definitely think you’ll get more transgendered responses on Match than on eHarmony.
27. So you’ve been using your ex’s social security number?
28. Yeah, I think giving your boss less than two weeks notice will really teach them a lesson.
29. It was really great at karaoke the other night when you sang “I Touch Myself”
30. Wait, so you’ve stopped washing your hands in order to build your immune system?
31. No, I think it’s really nice that you sent Dustin Diamond money to help out with his bankruptcy.
32. It’s just petty cash. No one will notice its missing.