Dear Milo
Introducing Milo, the Watercooler’s brand new advice column writer. Milo is here to handle the toughest of questions. Have a dilemma? Write in and let the doctor give you some words of wisdom. No question too weird or problem too out there. He’ll answer anything!
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Dear Milo,
My ten year high school reunion is coming up, and I definitely want to be the coolest person there. Any suggestions on what I can do/say/wear to really show my fellow Class of 2002 that I have really made it in the world? I would rather not engage in anything surgical but am willing to if necessary.
Thanks,
Clearly Wasn’t the Class President
Fort Greene, Brooklyn
Clearly, I love your determination and drive to show up your loser classmates. I think you are definitely on the right track! I actually just recently had my 10 year reunion last year so I know exactly where you are coming from. One thing that I have found works, is to focus less on bettering yourself and focus more on putting everyone else down. A 6 may not be a 10, but it sure beats a -3 every time. For example, it’s always easy to throw in a few back handed insults during introductions. “Hey Mike, I haven’t seen you a long time. Last time we talked, you used to be in such good shape. Man, those were the days huh? At least we have jobs and are making money now though.” (Side note: Facebook informed you that Mike lost his job 3 weeks earlier, and you already clicked “Like”.)
Best regards to the talk of Fort Greene High,
Milo
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Dear Milo,
What do you think of the Hunger Games? I don’t know much about them, but after being disappointed by the Twilight Saga and the Girl Who Kicked the Fire Dragon Tattoo series, I don’t want to give up a lot of my time to a new popular book series only to feel like I wasted my time.
Sincerely,
Looking for the next Harry Potter
Upper West Side
Thanks for writing in Looking! I think you may be asking the wrong question, however. You should probably be asking a medical practitioner how it is that you can be alive without possessing a heart. Wasting time on a new book series isn’t your number one problem. Your number one problem should be figuring out how to make your first friend, considering you lack any ability to feel passion or empathy, evidenced by your total lack of appreciation for the Girl who Kicked the Fire Dragon Nest. My advice to you would be to take the blindfold off and try giving Twilight another shot. You have a long path ahead of you before even beginning to think about your capacity as a human to connect to the Hunger Games.
All the Best,
Milo
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Dear Milo,
I started to get burned out of tickmarks towards the end of busy season. The letters of the alphabet in squiggly brackets. Any suggestions on how to jazz up my tickmarking skills? Or really how to jazz up any of my audit documentation?
Thanks,
Tired of Tickmarks
Great Question Tired! I actually received numerous similar inquiries. You are definitely not alone. I find that slipping in vulgarity can be a fun and exciting way to not only spruce up your workpapers, but to keep your reviewers on their toes. “D&T concludes that the variance is below CTT of $100. For more on this, refer to tickmark {#$%*}.
Have at it,
Milo
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Hi Milo,
I am excited about the new column! My friends loved you at PWC before you left for being censored! I’m thrilled Deloitte’s free media drew you to our newspaper! Just a quick question. My manager and senior manager have been taking staples and red pencils from the supply closet every night. They are depleting all of our supplies, and I have no idea why. How do I go about telling them without getting a 4?
Sincerely,
Out of Staples
Dear OOS,
Clearly you don’t have your ear to the ground when it comes to black market goods. Didn’t you know that after the black fly parasite wiped out the black rhino population roaming the Serengeti, there has been a severe lack of supply of pure black rhino blood – the key ingredient of red pencils?!? Since then, the black market price for a red pencil is about as much as the price for an HP laptop charger, which as any layperson would know has quadrupled in value ever since the tar pits outside of Las Vegas dried up. The steam off the tar pits fortifies the Velcro strap that comes with the battery pack.
Going forward, I suggest you read a newspaper every now and then. You could have answered this question yourself had you just picked up an US Weekly while in line at the checkout. You probably don’t even know about the latest drama on Teen Mom 2: Who Knew You Could Get Pregnant Twice!?.
Don’t talk to me unless you are caught up on Real Housewives: Nova Scotia.
Milo.
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Hi Milo,
I’m looking for the perfect 5 and ½ month anniversary gift for my girlfriend. The problem is she says I’m too clingy and has already tried to break up with me. What can I get her without coming across too aggressive?
Sincerely,
Every breath you take
P.s. It would have to be something that would fit through a doorway mailbox slot, as getting inside can be tricky.
EBYT,
How many times do I have to tell you!?! Even though the restraining order hasn’t gone through yet, you still can’t keep coming by my apartment and trying to tell me that it’s our “anniversary.” I will call the police again, and they know that I’m not your “girlfriend.”
Don’t ever contact me again,
Milo
*****
Hi Milo,
My girlfriend has been sleep walking and sleep talking frequently as of late. This wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that she swears at me a lot and has even hit me once or twice. The worst part is, when she wakes up, she doesn’t even remember doing it! She’s the best girlfriend a guy could ask for during the day but turns into Bobbi Brown as soon as her REM cycle kicks in. My relationship is in trouble, PLEASE HELP!
Sincerely,
16 Hour Romance
Easy, don’t sleep.
Problem taken care of. Hit me up when you have real problems, like how to tell your mother that she can’t wear a white wedding dress for her seventh marriage or how to de-louse your apartment after holding an illegal circus performance or how to tell your kids that they aren’t your kids but rather you just found them in a shopping cart next to their real parents at the grocery store.
M.
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