Liam Neeson's Sequel to "Taken"

As submitted to the employee newsletter at work (co-written with coworkers):

We recently heard that Liam Neeson is returning to the big screen in the sequel to his 2008 action thriller, where Neeson plays a retired CIA agent who goes out on his own to single handedly rescue his kidnapped daughter. These 80 action packed minutes are a tribute to the physical prowess of Liam Neeson as he dodges countless bullets, shoots a man’s wife in the shoulder, and overcomes the bad guys to retreive his daughter and deliver her to a singing lesson. We at the WaterCooler couldn’t help but imagine what the sequel would be like.

1. Deep in the woodlands of North Dakota lives a man so dangerous that authorities dare not step foot on his property. Life seemed peaceful for this Vietnam veteran. That is until one day when an old adversary tried blowing up his house. They took his child and his right lung, but they couldn’t take his life. Now he will stop at nothing to avenge his son’s death. This summer, watch as Liam Neeson uses an asthma inhaler like you have never seen one used before.

June 2nd, Liam Neeson is “Taken a Breather.”

2. Liam Neeson has a rough start at school, his mother had to fight hard to enroll this young lad into a school due to leg braces and his below average IQ, but he would go on to prove them all wrong. From inadvertently becoming the star of his college football team, to saving his captain in the Vietnam War, to international fame as a ping pong champ, to starting a shrimp boat company, to running across America twice, to eventually taking care of the young child he fathered with the long time love of his life.

It all started because this “Seat’s Taken.”

3. Meet Edward, a 60 year old stay-at-home dad with a penchant for trouble. While he may seem like you’re everyday garbage man, there’s a dark secret from his past, and this spring, he won’t be able to hide it any longer. Liam Neeson stars in “Taken Out The Trash.”

4. It’s like this every year. If you don’t make it by 6:00 a.m., then they will be sold out of their doorbusters toasters… and then how will you be able to make grilled cheese for breakfast in the morning?! But you won’t make it! The news reports already show lines wrapping around the block, and that’s just at PetSmart. A year’s worth of planning for Black Friday down the drain because your uncle Liam Neeson is “Taken His Sweet Time.”

5. Somewhere between making an appearance on stage at SXSW and recording the follow-up to the 2009 East of Eden album, she’s lost her skinny jeans and her Swedish accent. Will she ever get them back? There’s only one man who can locate these treasures and still get her to Bonneroo on time. Sit back and hold on tight as Liam Neesen pairs up with the breakthrough indie sweetheart songstress “Taken by Trees.”

6. Mistaken – a tragic story of a retired CIA spy, with Alzheimer’s. After attending his granddaughter’s sweet sixteen, his cab driver mistakenly drops him off in the wrong suburb of Lisle, Illinois. After entering a random house, he mistakes the family living there for his own. Convincing them over the course of the next fifteen years that they are indeed his family, every resistance is met by violent wheel-chair battle scenes.

This summer, do not say no to Liam Neeson asking you to wipe his wheels, because he is “Mistaken.”

7. You know the kids. They just took geology because they wanted to learn more about igneous rocks, and they started slacking off when the class moved on to metamorphic and sedimentary rock. They didn’t feel a need to attend all the lab classes and lectures. But not this guy. Watch Liam Neeson take over the class discussions and start up his own study groups this fall. Creating study guides seem like a good idea… until they fall into the wrong hands.

Don’t mess with the TA this year, because this class he’s “Taken for Course Credit.”

8. In a world where the greedy thrive and the good go hungry, one man stands up for what’s right. No CEO is safe from this vigilante. Hey Lloyd Blankfein, better watch your ass…ets.

Coming this fall, Liam Neeson is “Taken Care of Business.”

9. With the mounting deadlines and ever-lengthening to-do list, how will he ever get it done? Between the WAU, the statutory reports, and all the DPME and time and expense sheets to fill out, will he be able to complete Reg and FAR before his promotion to senior? Will his bonus for passing be large enough after tax to pay for a cleaner for his built-into-the-wall floor-to-ceiling aquarium in his small sixth floor walk-up? Find out if Liam Neesen beats the clock as he’s “Taken the CPA.”

10. Liam Neeson is “Taken it to the Streets” in this one-man reenactment of the Occupy Wall Street Protests, a 10-part series airing on the Oprah Winfrey Network on Sundays at 3:00 a.m. to 3:30 a.m.