Friday, March 5, 2010

Divestitures and Such

Submitted to Company Newsletter March 2010

As I prepare to roll off my busy season client and out of audit, I decided to express my appreciation, exasperation, and/or unending love for various teammates by designing and ordering the below magnets.

I plan to customize them with the below examples.

  • Remember the time we worked together? It was like petting puppies and eating ice cream daily because you were always writing the most concise yet thoughtful tickmarks.

  • Remember the time we worked together? It was like working with Santa Claus because you were bringing me presents in the form of GAAS compliant audit procedures.

  • Remember the time we worked together? It was like working with the lead singer of a Tears for Fears cover band because you were always listening to your earphones and rocking out to “Shout” like you weren’t an auditor in a janitorial closet at 11:00 p.m. on a Thursday night.

  • Remember the time we worked together? It was like the Commitments and Contingencies footnote because you were always a “guaranteed” good time.

  • Remember the time we worked together? It was like being at a three-month long LAN party because you were sleep deprived, unkempt, really into your computer and always aiming to conquer the virtual world that is SEC compliance.

  • Remember the time we worked together? It was like the new Auditing Standards Codification, because you were confusing, demanding, and elusive yet well-intentioned.

I ordered 200 magnets, so let me know if you want one.

On a serious note, I am turning in my red pencil and GAAP Checklist log-in and transferring out of audit. It’s been real, and so to anyone who is reading this - Remember the time we worked together? It was like being a moon in a waxing gibbous phase because you let me have a good time once a month even if it was awkward. Gibbous phases are weird. Accounting jokes are weird. And we all let them happen once a month. Thanks.

Open Letter to the Managing Partner

I found this in my email this week. I guess I wrote it for the Company Newsletter a year ago, but maybe they wouldn't let me include it or something.

An Open Letter to the Managing Partner:

It's Monday afternoon. Between catching up on all the work I intended to complete over the weekend yet never touched and counting down the hours until the next weekend, I receive an email. Has Jake Gyllenhaal finally replied to my fan emails? Or will it just be another notification of the restraining order Mr. Gyllenhaal has issued against me? Will it be an email from kids at the high school down the block apologizing for mugging me for my KFC bucket of wings? Or will it be a message from the KFC agreeing to lace the coleslaw order with Crayolas and burnt cat hair the next time the punk kids order?

No, it's a message from Mr. Morrissey notifying me, yet again, of a tardy timesheet.

Hi, Ed. You seem like a nice enough guy, and I'm a somewhat earnest employee. You seem to care about time sheets, so I can care about time sheets. I have done some thinking and have some ideas on increasing time sheet submissions:

Time sheets remind me of when I worked at the blackberry orchard when I was thirteen. We always submitted them on time. When you're making $2.50/hour, you want every penny of it. There's something about physically punching a time clock. Maybe if someone could physically bring me a time clock and card, I'd stamp it on time. We also got a commission of sorts at the orchard - fifty cents for every quart of blackberries picked.

Maybe you could sweeten the deal with a quarter for every time I WAU on time.You know what makes time sheets tough - figuring out the most appropriate charge code. I have some ideas of new charge codes I could really use. If I could allocate some time to scrapbooking, rehearsing magic tricks, or aerophilately (the collecting airmail stamps), I'd definitely submit more timely time sheets.

My mom used to give us sticker charts growing up. Every time I did the dishes, Bonnie gave me a ladybug sticker. When I am home for the holidays, I can ask her if she has any more stickers if you want to dole them out as incentives. Anyway, just some thoughts. Maybe I will make timely time sheets my New Year's Resolution, right after getting Jake Gyllenhaal to reverse that cease and desist order. 2009 is going to be huge.

Top Ten Lessons I Learned This Busy Season

Submitted to company newsletter March 2010

Top Ten Lessons I Learned This Busy Season

  1. SIPC Agreed Upon Procedures, huh?
  2. No matter how many hours you put in at work, your roommates think you still have time to do all their dishes.
  3. No matter how meticulous or organized you are, there will always be an error with your engagement team’s take-out delivery.
  4. There are 65,536 lines in an Excel schedule. Because anything larger than that means hours of frustration with an Access database.
  5. ASC 820-10 = SFAS 157 = ASC 820-10. I’ll learn the rest of them next year.
  6. The data doesn’t mine itself.
  7. There is nothing like that wave of anxiety when you import a transfer file in AS/2 and have that 3 second wait period to see how many review notes you will have back.
  8. You love the new Audit Methodology…
  9. Except for the times you hate the new Audit Methodology.
  10. “More than I ever wanted to learn about the Maritime Marine Act of 1920, otherwise known as the Jones Act” (quote from Herb Lohmann on auditing commodities)