Friday, November 27, 2009

Murray Hill Pick Up Lines

Sweet lines to drop whether you're downing jagerbombs at Tonic or rocking out to eighties music at the J Tree. Because you never know when you'll run into another hottie in a light blue collared shirt accompanied with a black north face jacket and black square toe leather loafers... oh wait, if you're in the Hill, it'll be like shooting fish in a barrel.
  1. "That's 'Leibowitz' with a 'B'." (contributed by Christy Purington)
  2. "Didn't we hook up on the jitney?" (contributed by Barrett Sheridan)
  3. "Can I get you a shot of Jager?" (contributed by Barrett Sheridan)
  4. "You're a beautiful shade of orange tonight." (contributed by Barrett Sheridan)
  5. "I've got an extra ticket to see the Boss at the Garden on Monday." (contributed by Barrett Sheridan)
  6. "Studies show you can actually get tennis elbow from too much fist pumping to Bon Jovi."
  7. "Who am i kidding. i don't read studies."
  8. "Do you work at a hedge fund or a multinational conglomerate that services hedge funds?"
  9. "Which sorority tshirt should i wear to the gym?"
  10. "What company did you use to install the fake wall in your apt in your nondescript building above a Chase atm bank?"
  11. "So do you watch your college football games at Tonic or the Hill?"
  12. "Nice North Face jacket."
  13. "I was the first person to chant 'so good, so good' in 'Sweet Caroline'."

Friday, November 20, 2009

Holiday cards for the client

As submitted to the company newsletter for December 2009

Season’s greetings, Happy Hanukkah. Retailers seem to carry an abundance of holiday cards, but alas, I couldn’t quite find the appropriate sentiment for my client, so I resorted to making my own.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My love affair with knowing your birthday

As submitted to the company newsletter in November 2009

The Water Cooler, huh? To the new hires, I still recall when I first received the Water Cooler. As a recent college grad eager to usher in a new era of freedom from material misstatement to the wild world of financial reporting, I pretended to read the OneVoice and Technically Speaking, but let’s face it, I didn’t get as riled up about consolidating Variable Interest Entities as my senior did.

As a new hire, the Water Cooler was something I could really get into. Pictures, restaurant recommendations, wedding announcements. Over the years, I have come to understand and appreciate the other Deloitte email newsletters and have even gotten excited about updates to the New Audit Methodology.

Over the years, I have also learned what truly makes a great newsletter here at Deloitte.
  1. It helps if you can get a mascot, a face and voice to the newsletter, kinda like Oprah is to O magazine. AERS Weekly has Tommasino; One Voice boasts Jeff Kottkamp as its cover model; we have Ed; and Barry Salzberg is always sending out his own newsletters.
  2. Colors are crucial. It’s Deloitte; the tasteful use of a palette of colors is encouraged, as long as the only colors used are blue and bright green.
  3. Links, tons of links are always encouraged. They make your publication look researched and important. That’s why each month, when we compile the Water Cooler, we insert at least 15 fake links. Just bold a few words and people will think there are tons of data and additional information for whatever you just sent.

Setting Goals

As submitted to company newsletter in September 2009

I am a goal-setter, and more importantly, a goal-attainer. Like my other colleagues, my counselor and I got together and outlined some professional goals for the next year.

My counselor recommended these goals.
  1. 100% utilization
  2. Get involved in a BRG
  3. Pass my CPA exam
  4. Learn the new audit approach

I agreed to these goals.

  1. 100% utilization
  2. Get involved in a BRG
  3. Get a CPA certification
  4. Learn the new audit approach
This is how I will accomplish said goals.
  1. Lobby to make time spent polishing Where’s Waldo figurines a work-related activity
  2. Start a BRG focusing on speed-eating Nacho Cheese Doritos with chopsticks
  3. Did you know you can be certified by the Composite Panel Association (CPA), which represents the composite panel and decorative surfacing industries? (
  4. Have you seen the new audit approach? It caps selections at 75. Of course, I am going to learn this.