Jeff and I Started an Advice Column at Work

Dear Milo
Introducing Milo, the Watercooler’s brand new advice column writer. Milo is here to handle the toughest of questions. Have a dilemma? Write in and let the doctor give you some words of wisdom. No question too weird or problem too out there. He’ll answer anything!

*****

Dear Milo,

My ten year high school reunion is coming up, and I definitely want to be the coolest person there. Any suggestions on what I can do/say/wear to really show my fellow Class of 2002 that I have really made it in the world? I would rather not engage in anything surgical but am willing to if necessary.

Thanks,
Clearly Wasn’t the Class President
Fort Greene, Brooklyn

Clearly, I love your determination and drive to show up your loser classmates. I think you are definitely on the right track! I actually just recently had my 10 year reunion last year so I know exactly where you are coming from. One thing that I have found works, is to focus less on bettering yourself and focus more on putting everyone else down. A 6 may not be a 10, but it sure beats a -3 every time. For example, it’s always easy to throw in a few back handed insults during introductions. “Hey Mike, I haven’t seen you a long time. Last time we talked, you used to be in such good shape. Man, those were the days huh? At least we have jobs and are making money now though.” (Side note: Facebook informed you that Mike lost his job 3 weeks earlier, and you already clicked “Like”.)

Best regards to the talk of Fort Greene High,
Milo

*****

Dear Milo,

What do you think of the Hunger Games? I don’t know much about them, but after being disappointed by the Twilight Saga and the Girl Who Kicked the Fire Dragon Tattoo series, I don’t want to give up a lot of my time to a new popular book series only to feel like I wasted my time.

Sincerely,
Looking for the next Harry Potter
Upper West Side

Thanks for writing in Looking! I think you may be asking the wrong question, however. You should probably be asking a medical practitioner how it is that you can be alive without possessing a heart. Wasting time on a new book series isn’t your number one problem. Your number one problem should be figuring out how to make your first friend, considering you lack any ability to feel passion or empathy, evidenced by your total lack of appreciation for the Girl who Kicked the Fire Dragon Nest. My advice to you would be to take the blindfold off and try giving Twilight another shot. You have a long path ahead of you before even beginning to think about your capacity as a human to connect to the Hunger Games.

All the Best,
Milo

*****

Dear Milo,

I started to get burned out of tickmarks towards the end of busy season. The letters of the alphabet in squiggly brackets. Any suggestions on how to jazz up my tickmarking skills? Or really how to jazz up any of my audit documentation?

Thanks,
Tired of Tickmarks

Great Question Tired! I actually received numerous similar inquiries. You are definitely not alone. I find that slipping in vulgarity can be a fun and exciting way to not only spruce up your workpapers, but to keep your reviewers on their toes. “D&T concludes that the variance is below CTT of $100. For more on this, refer to tickmark {#$%*}.

Have at it,
Milo

*****

Hi Milo,

I am excited about the new column! My friends loved you at PWC before you left for being censored! I’m thrilled Deloitte’s free media drew you to our newspaper! Just a quick question. My manager and senior manager have been taking staples and red pencils from the supply closet every night. They are depleting all of our supplies, and I have no idea why. How do I go about telling them without getting a 4?

Sincerely,
Out of Staples

Dear OOS,

Clearly you don’t have your ear to the ground when it comes to black market goods. Didn’t you know that after the black fly parasite wiped out the black rhino population roaming the Serengeti, there has been a severe lack of supply of pure black rhino blood – the key ingredient of red pencils?!? Since then, the black market price for a red pencil is about as much as the price for an HP laptop charger, which as any layperson would know has quadrupled in value ever since the tar pits outside of Las Vegas dried up. The steam off the tar pits fortifies the Velcro strap that comes with the battery pack.

Going forward, I suggest you read a newspaper every now and then. You could have answered this question yourself had you just picked up an US Weekly while in line at the checkout. You probably don’t even know about the latest drama on Teen Mom 2: Who Knew You Could Get Pregnant Twice!?.

Don’t talk to me unless you are caught up on Real Housewives: Nova Scotia.
Milo.

*****

Hi Milo,

I’m looking for the perfect 5 and ½ month anniversary gift for my girlfriend. The problem is she says I’m too clingy and has already tried to break up with me. What can I get her without coming across too aggressive?

Sincerely,
Every breath you take

P.s. It would have to be something that would fit through a doorway mailbox slot, as getting inside can be tricky.


EBYT,

How many times do I have to tell you!?! Even though the restraining order hasn’t gone through yet, you still can’t keep coming by my apartment and trying to tell me that it’s our “anniversary.” I will call the police again, and they know that I’m not your “girlfriend.”

Don’t ever contact me again,
Milo

*****

Hi Milo,

My girlfriend has been sleep walking and sleep talking frequently as of late. This wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that she swears at me a lot and has even hit me once or twice. The worst part is, when she wakes up, she doesn’t even remember doing it! She’s the best girlfriend a guy could ask for during the day but turns into Bobbi Brown as soon as her REM cycle kicks in. My relationship is in trouble, PLEASE HELP!

Sincerely,
16 Hour Romance


Easy, don’t sleep.

Problem taken care of. Hit me up when you have real problems, like how to tell your mother that she can’t wear a white wedding dress for her seventh marriage or how to de-louse your apartment after holding an illegal circus performance or how to tell your kids that they aren’t your kids but rather you just found them in a shopping cart next to their real parents at the grocery store.

M.

Liam Neeson's Sequel to "Taken"

As submitted to the employee newsletter at work (co-written with coworkers):

We recently heard that Liam Neeson is returning to the big screen in the sequel to his 2008 action thriller, where Neeson plays a retired CIA agent who goes out on his own to single handedly rescue his kidnapped daughter. These 80 action packed minutes are a tribute to the physical prowess of Liam Neeson as he dodges countless bullets, shoots a man’s wife in the shoulder, and overcomes the bad guys to retreive his daughter and deliver her to a singing lesson. We at the WaterCooler couldn’t help but imagine what the sequel would be like.

1. Deep in the woodlands of North Dakota lives a man so dangerous that authorities dare not step foot on his property. Life seemed peaceful for this Vietnam veteran. That is until one day when an old adversary tried blowing up his house. They took his child and his right lung, but they couldn’t take his life. Now he will stop at nothing to avenge his son’s death. This summer, watch as Liam Neeson uses an asthma inhaler like you have never seen one used before.

June 2nd, Liam Neeson is “Taken a Breather.”

2. Liam Neeson has a rough start at school, his mother had to fight hard to enroll this young lad into a school due to leg braces and his below average IQ, but he would go on to prove them all wrong. From inadvertently becoming the star of his college football team, to saving his captain in the Vietnam War, to international fame as a ping pong champ, to starting a shrimp boat company, to running across America twice, to eventually taking care of the young child he fathered with the long time love of his life.

It all started because this “Seat’s Taken.”

3. Meet Edward, a 60 year old stay-at-home dad with a penchant for trouble. While he may seem like you’re everyday garbage man, there’s a dark secret from his past, and this spring, he won’t be able to hide it any longer. Liam Neeson stars in “Taken Out The Trash.”

4. It’s like this every year. If you don’t make it by 6:00 a.m., then they will be sold out of their doorbusters toasters… and then how will you be able to make grilled cheese for breakfast in the morning?! But you won’t make it! The news reports already show lines wrapping around the block, and that’s just at PetSmart. A year’s worth of planning for Black Friday down the drain because your uncle Liam Neeson is “Taken His Sweet Time.”

5. Somewhere between making an appearance on stage at SXSW and recording the follow-up to the 2009 East of Eden album, she’s lost her skinny jeans and her Swedish accent. Will she ever get them back? There’s only one man who can locate these treasures and still get her to Bonneroo on time. Sit back and hold on tight as Liam Neesen pairs up with the breakthrough indie sweetheart songstress “Taken by Trees.”

6. Mistaken – a tragic story of a retired CIA spy, with Alzheimer’s. After attending his granddaughter’s sweet sixteen, his cab driver mistakenly drops him off in the wrong suburb of Lisle, Illinois. After entering a random house, he mistakes the family living there for his own. Convincing them over the course of the next fifteen years that they are indeed his family, every resistance is met by violent wheel-chair battle scenes.

This summer, do not say no to Liam Neeson asking you to wipe his wheels, because he is “Mistaken.”

7. You know the kids. They just took geology because they wanted to learn more about igneous rocks, and they started slacking off when the class moved on to metamorphic and sedimentary rock. They didn’t feel a need to attend all the lab classes and lectures. But not this guy. Watch Liam Neeson take over the class discussions and start up his own study groups this fall. Creating study guides seem like a good idea… until they fall into the wrong hands.

Don’t mess with the TA this year, because this class he’s “Taken for Course Credit.”

8. In a world where the greedy thrive and the good go hungry, one man stands up for what’s right. No CEO is safe from this vigilante. Hey Lloyd Blankfein, better watch your ass…ets.

Coming this fall, Liam Neeson is “Taken Care of Business.”

9. With the mounting deadlines and ever-lengthening to-do list, how will he ever get it done? Between the WAU, the statutory reports, and all the DPME and time and expense sheets to fill out, will he be able to complete Reg and FAR before his promotion to senior? Will his bonus for passing be large enough after tax to pay for a cleaner for his built-into-the-wall floor-to-ceiling aquarium in his small sixth floor walk-up? Find out if Liam Neesen beats the clock as he’s “Taken the CPA.”

10. Liam Neeson is “Taken it to the Streets” in this one-man reenactment of the Occupy Wall Street Protests, a 10-part series airing on the Oprah Winfrey Network on Sundays at 3:00 a.m. to 3:30 a.m.