Wednesday, December 22, 2010

New Year’s Resolutions – your last ones

What are your New Year’s resolutions? They’d better be good. These are your last ones. That’s right. 2012, the world is ending per the Hopi and the Mayans and Nicolas Cage. So I took the time to put together some resolutions to prepare yourself for the end of the world and to make the most of the last year that Earth will be the cool place to live.

  1. Join a militia. Better yet start one. That way, you’ll be the leader and the other militiamen have to protect you and your domain.
  2. Sell fake goods. Some sects out there are going to start stocking up on power generators and canned goods and other survival supplies. There is a market for this. Exploit it. So I put together a flashlight glued to a tank of lighter fluid and sold it online for $200 as a power generator. If the world doesn’t collapse in 2012, the buyer will never need it and never notice it’s worthless.
  3. Remember how cool Y2K was!?!? Remember how on office space, the main character said he helped businesses prepare for Y2K? Totally start a consulting business telling companies you’ll help them prepare their computer systems for the 2012 end of the world. When it passes, you’ll look like a success.
  4. Write a cool song for 2012. Prince knew was business savvy when he wrote “Party Like it’s 1999.” It was a commercial success and the theme song of 1999. Follow his lead and write a ditty for ’11. Rhymes with heaven, seven, Kevin. Should make for a promising mix.
  5. Tell your staff to get all the audit workpapers done early. Tell them they have to wrap up the audit by 12/31/2011. When they tell you, they can't audit the books when they haven’t yet closed, tell them it’s only going to get harder to audit the books after the world slips into anarchy.
  6. Start acclimating yourself to the taste of canned foods.
  7. USD will become meaningless in an anarchist society. Therefore you need to project what will be the new currency and start stocking up on it. Probably snowglobes and abaci (the plural of abacus). The snowglobes to remind humans of how pretty the world was and abaci because you still want to be a respectable accountant in a world without currency and calculators.