Thursday, April 16, 2009

Things I Have

Excerpts of an article submitted to the Company Newsletter in April.

I have a lot of things in life. I have the full collection of “Now that’s what I call Music” compilation series. I have an extensive closet of Victorian era costumes for my pet rabbit, affectionately named Jane Austen Thumper. I have unedited footage for a Public Access television show I am piloting entitled “Reconcile Yo Mama,” which combines my three loves in life – auditing, break dancing, and yo mama jokes.*

*Basically, you have to use FASB excerpts to insult people’s moms while break dancing. I.e. Yo mama’s so dumb, she failed sale on FAS 140, and we had to consolidate her. Yo mama’s so big, we tried to hedge her exposure. Yo mama’s so dumb, she heard about fx translation and thought it was a new language she could learn from Rosetta Stone.

Top Ten Ways to Spend Your Tax Return

Submitted to Company Newsletter for April

Tax season came and went, and some of us may be expecting a refund. Now you’re sitting around in a quandary. How can to spend it? Below are a few suggestions.
1. TurboTax asked me if I wanted to apply my refund to pay income taxes for the current year. Yeah right.
2. Invest it. They say you should make your money work for you. That’s why I pour my spare cash into Beanie Babies. Their values will skyrocket, especially when Pinky the Panda becomes the new universal currency.
3. Buy bumper stickers declaring “Not all CPAs do taxes, so quit asking me for advice.”
4. Give up and enroll in some tax courses, so then you can actually give some tax advice.
5. Purchase the new limited edition Water Cooler Archives – Uncut and Uncensored. I will be selling the copies, er um, publications on the corner of Essex and Delancey for $20.
6. Headshots. The world of public accounting needs more glamour. Why hand out business cards at walkthroughs, when you can be handing out an 8x10 black and white of your face? It’s the only way to get leading roles.
7. Give it to the next Junior Achievement bowling email asking for donations.
8. Hire a high schooler to submit your timesheets for you each Friday.
9. Treat yourself.
10. More useful suggestions on how to spend your tax refund.

Friday, April 10, 2009

California Update

Sent on 4/10/2009

I have been in California for the past week visiting my best friend Brent.

Interesting Night
We spent a couple nights in San Pedro staying with Howie, a friend who lived in a Norwegian church. Fortunately, I know one phrase in Norwegian; it means "I love Norway." Thanks, Andreas and Ingvld.

Howie hosted a potluck for the Gay Christian Network of Los Angeles. Brent and I made Sangria for the event, only to discover it was a dry event. The event was predominantly white, gay males, so I guess I was a minority of a minority of a minority. I was also the hottest girl there, aka, the only girl there. It was fun.

Don't Doubt Me: Sometimes I actually follow through on plans
Some of you may know I am running a half-marathon at the end of April with roommates and friends. Some of you may know that I have not tried this running thing. Don't doubt me. I have been running for two to three hours a day for five of the past seven days.

What I have seen on my runs:
1. Homeless people running with me with their backpacks. Brent pointed out I always wear the same clothes when I run, so they probably think I am homeless too.
2. Where Baywatch was shot.
3. A lot of beach. Yeah, they can be boring. I mainly black out on the runs.

Coming Attractions: What I am most looking forward to in the rest of my trip in chronological order
1. Accounting TA reunion with Eva Weerts
2. Brugges hostel mate from 2006 reunion with Rachel Rudwall
3. Santa Monica Public Library Scrabble and Bridge club on Mondays at 1:00 p.m.