Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Valentines Day Pick Up Lines - Auditors

Submitted in company newsletter

Top Ten Pick-up Lines

  1. Your name is my Outlook password. I just add another number every ninety days when it makes me change it. I'm up to 27.
  2. I knew you were the one when I saw your profile on D Street.
  3. Your tickmarks are informative yet concise.
  4. What’s your favorite footnote?
  5. Your Schedulink profile is my start up page.
  6. Maybe I could take you out for a nice dinner sometime… as long as it doesn’t exceed $12 combined and I have worked the requisite 12 hour day.
  7. I noticed you don’t get out much, and it’s probably because you’re working so much, but I am going to pretend it’s because you’re waiting for me to show you around town.
  8. Is your cell phone number 1-800 DELOITTE because you are just so knowledgeable.
  9. You could be the sixth assertion. Existence, Completeness, Valuation, Presentation, Rights & Obligations, and Perfection.
  10. If you were a section of the MD&A, you’d be Value at Risk, emphasis on the Value.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Busy Season Withdrawal

Submitted to Company Newsletter

Let’s talk about something real. Withdrawal. It happens every year after busy season. The email floods slow down, the alarm clock goes off a little later, you actually see friends and family after work. It’s awkward, right? Before long your fingers start itching, you start checking your email late at night hoping someone sent you a request, and you ask your roommate to create some fictitious spreadsheets for you to audit.

It’s a condition known in the medical community as Busy Season Withdrawal (BSW or BS-dubs), which afflicts up to .04% of left handed accountants who live along the Topic of Cancer. Symptoms include a desire to pass around a menu and ask people for their take-out requests and a tendency call and confirm if people really did send you the fax they just sent you.

After suffering for maybe 5 minutes last year, I wrote a book called Letting Love Go: How to Deal with the End of Busy Season. In it, I outline various ways to deal with the disorder. Below are some key suggestions.
  1. Mock audit. Remember when you had moot court in high school where you argued your stances on the juvenile justice system? Same thing. Get some members of your engagement team together and relive your glory days.
  2. Carry a dummy 10-key. I had my first year cut off a square from her jacket and outline in white-out the keys of my 10-key. When I am out and start to miss busy season, I pull the rolled up dummy calculator out of my pocket and place it on the bar or restaurant table or subway seat next to me and start entering the data. It’s just a release to keep the fingers nimble during the off-season.
  3. Consider switching hemispheres. I am not sure how this works, but I have a theory. Ms. Mathison taught me seasons and how the crazy world works. In her third grade class, I learned when it’s summer here, it’s winter in Zimbabwe. When it’s winter here, it’s summer in Tierra del Fuego. Assuming this holds constant, if it’s not busy season here, would it be busy season in Zimbabwe? Consider me applying for the transfer.

It’s a tough world out there, especially after busy season ends. Please let me know if you have further questions about BSW or if you are interested in purchasing a copy of the book Letting Love Go. I might be able to scrounge up a couple Xeroxed copies in my cousin’s car.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Mama Mexico Gift Certificate

So my coworker Phoenix Chan won a Mama Mexico gift certificate for $100. She is trying to sell it. Below are more details. Let us know if you're interested.

Mama Mexico Gift Certificate

Do you like your Mom? Do you like Mexicans? Do you wish your Mom was Mexican? If so, you’ll find yourself supremely interested in this $100 gift certificate to New York’s finest restaurant - Mama Mexico with locations in Uptown, Midtown and New Jersey.**

The legendary Huevos Rancheros are known to reconfigure your computer to DOS, bead your nose hair, and make your guinea pig live 35% longer. Mama Mexico’s Mama Pancakes, topped with banana, strawberry and maple syrup – in Mexican, it’s called platano, fresa, y jarabe de arce – will give you a sense of warmth and security comparable to a Snuggie®.

Link to menu - http://www.mamamexico.com/

Order now and I will throw in a couple mechanical pencils and post-its to sweeten up the deal since I am writing this from work. Right now the gift certificate (face value of $100) is going for $200. Mention this ad and receive [50% + (π/100)] off (53.14%).

Alright. Here’s the deal. I won this in a raffle. I’d use the gift certificate, but the thing is, my computer runs on 86-DOS (the disk operating system’s precursor), my nose hair is dreaded not beaded and my guinea pig is a tester for resveratrol and will probably already outlive me. Also, Mama (me not the restaurant) needs to move inventory so I will have some cash to purchase the Love Guru on DVD. Make it happen.

** Check out all three locations in the Tri-State area. Order within the next 15 minutes, and receive an excel spreadsheet to allow you to budget out your meals to ensure you have ample funds to enjoy all three luxurious locations.