Party Predictions

I wrote these party predictions a year or so ago while I was on Jury Duty.

So while waiting for jury duty, take three, to commence, I have started composing the below list of party predictions for Saturday:

1. You will inevitably end up playing that one Justin Timberlake song, whose name escapes me right now, reconnect with your inner Michael Jackson and create a new dance move the likes of which the world has never seen. A couple people will go blind from the sheer brilliance of it. Unfortunately, it will be a one-time freak occurrence, and you'll spend the rest of your life unsuccessfully trying to recreate the magic of that one night. The two bystanders rendered blind will always resent the fact they lost their sense of sight in vain. That's two less facebook friends.

2. Bobby will perfect the BGE, its presence will spread to the nearby UN building. Delegates still at work or settling down for a good night's sleep in the neighborhood, will sense the importance in the night, feel drawn like magnets to the 7th floor of 245 East 40th and catch the tail end of Bobby's sweet moves as the line "Call on Me" reverberates in the air. Enraged at the possibility of losing a national treasure like Bobby, strings will be pulled, red tape will be removed and Bobby will be allowed, nay, required to stay in the U.S. Unfortunately, he will not be able to stay in New York, as he will be touring the U.S. as the opening act for the Jonas Brothers for the next five years, where he will develop a coke addiction and never be the same. Bittersweet.

3. Christy, always prepared for a party, will undoubtedly arrive complete with her own deck of cards, shot glasses, roofies, and bong accoutrements. Someone (probably I) will switch her deck of cards with a deck of three's. Coincidentally, we will be playing the game "draw a three, eat roofie." I, however, switched the bag o'roofies with a medley of human growth hormone, steroids, and synthetic testosterone. We will all worry when Christy disappears for a few months, but all cheer her on when she reemerges as the U.S. contender in shotput in the Beijing '08 Olympics. The back hair and mustache will lead to speculation, drug tests will ensue, but she will keep her gold medal, because I, being a considerate friend, paid a premium for untraceable drugs.

4. Alisa, after snorting a line of cupcake frosting, will, in a moment of scientific breakthrough, combine her love of food with her fancy pants edumacation and create a new diet founded solely on the consumption of cupcakes and watching Gossip Girls. This new diet revolution will sweep the country and replace all other traditional weight loss plans. Years later, the diet will be blamed for the sharp increase in adult diabetes in the U.S. Oh wait, that's already happened, but people always feel more comfortable when they have a scapegoat. So that's nice.

5. Rod, in a moment of weakness, will eat his plant he has been nursing for the past few months. So upset with this, he will embark on a three-month soul-searching. He will hitchhike his way down to South America where he will befriend this new Amazonian tribe everyone is so crazy about. He will learn their ways and they will eventually induct him into their isolated community. A year later, he will realize the tribe never existed. He was just suffering the prolonged side effects of ingesting his mysterious plant.

6. Dave, after carefully assembling his new wardrobe, now feels a deep attachment to this holder of garments and other unknown wonders. The party will grow louder, and Dave will seek solace in this wardrobe only to discover the brightly decorated back board is actually a portal to an unknown magical kingdom called Narnia. He will free the Narnians from the Ice Witch and rule the land as a just, and fair king. However, we won't notice his absence because that's how magic wardrobes work.

7. Lauren will not be there. Lame.

Well, it's 11:28, and I have been sitting all morning. I am supposed to meet back at the courtroom at noon, where we will take attendance and then take a two-hour lunch. Me bored.