November Update

I have not written an update since Peru, so here goes… in chronological order.

Peruvian Vestiges: How South America Changed My Life.
I left the Peru with priceless memories, new friends, and a wealth of unique experiences. What I did not leave Peru with was my work phone. This misfortune resulted in over $6,600 in stolen phone charges for calls made from Peru, Columbia, Venezuela, and Mexico. AT&T will not waive these charges on a work phone, and I have to take it up with my employer. Things are not looking good. Cost of trip - a little under $1,500. Cost of involvement with South American drug trade - $8,000 ($6,600 in stolen phone charges and $1,400 in legal fees should the DEA prosecute me).

Upgrade: We Might Be Up to Central Heating in About 20 More Moves.
I did not receive the hand-written letters and care packages you have sent the past month since I moved back in October. Let me recount how it all unfolded:
Monday: Receive call from roommate Sarah Lindenberg instructing me to not pay rent for the month
Tuesday: Sarah looks at an apartment in the Lower East Side and talks the broker down from $3,300/month + $3,000 broker fee to $3,000/month + no broker fee. She has skills.
Wednesday: Fill out paperwork and sign lease.
Thursday: Move.
Conclusion: we picked up ceilings high enough to walk upright uninhibited, a sink we do not have to use for the bathroom and kitchen, a bedroom wider than my arm span, and an additional roommate, Annabel. Win, win, win, win all around.

We Hope You Enjoy Your Stay: Because Meanwhile Some Stranger is Auditing the Sh*t Out of Us.
This brings me to the now. I have spent the past week auditing a hotel chain. I just show up solo, ask for the controller and have two days to audit the hell out of them. Tablecloths – depreciate over one year. Items left behind by guests – debit goods to resell and credit other sources of revenue. The valuation adjustment for spoilage of complimentary cookies and chocolates on your pillow, an allowance for clean-up after the annual Mold Removal Convention. There are entries for this.

I have met many characters on these excursions. My favorite is a thirty-four year old controller who invites me out for drinks at 5:00 p.m., though I return afterwards to keep working. During one of these happy hours at the bar in the nearby mall, she stands up and shows me the various tattoos emblazoned across body parts rarely exposed to light, especially not in public. "This one was when I separated from my husband." "These rose petals have the initials of my cats and my grandparents." "I got this one to help me get through my bankruptcy." It was all a cry for help. I loved her. I love America.

Farewell: Near, Far, Wherever You Are; You are Safe in My Heart and My Heart Will Go On.
I am finalizing the design for my holiday card and accompanying ink pen. Please provide your mailing address. Even if I sent you one last year, please resend your address.