The Fake Bachelorette Party

So dear friend Whitney decided to celebrate her 23rd birthday with a fake bachelorette party. Why? Because it translates to free drinks and making out with guys and a whole new meaning to being the center of attention. As maid of honor, I began to compile a list of awkward comments I wanted to make throughout the night. Special thanks to Whitney, Gordon, and Steve for their contributions.

1. It’s so timely that you’re getting married; now you won’t have to finish college.
2. You told him you were pregnant just so he’d propose?
3. He does realize he’s upgrading the ring in 5 years, right?
4. Here’s to the next 5 years of matrimony, or 3 if you can get him to agree to your terms on the prenup.
5. Wow, he proposed. I guess that means he doesn’t know about Cancun 2004.
6. He knows you still sleep with your Furbies, right?
7. You’re marrying him even though he killed your DigiPet? That’s love.
8. Huh, I guess mail order brides really do work.
9. So when are you quitting your job?
10. So when do you start only “speaking when spoken to”?
11. Hey, my aunt can make cakes that resemble American Idol contestants.
12. Too bad you didn’t meet him earlier, then you wouldn’t have had to finish school.
13. No, I think it’d be cute if your first dance was to Carrie Underwood’s “The Next Time He Cheats.”
14. Are you inviting his first wife to the wedding since you two started dating when they were still married?
15. Too bad your marriage will only be recognized in the state of Massachusetts.
16. Really, you two can get married? Are cousins allowed to get married?
17. You’re lucky to marry someone so wealthy. I guess the nose job is paying for itself.
18. I’m sure a lot of people have their plastic surgeon walk them down the aisle.
19. No, themed weddings could be classy. I mean, you really like Star Trek.
20. Is Vera still upset you made her pull all nighters?
21. When is the crew from Bridezillas coming?
22. Don’t feel bad about making your parents re-mortgage the house to pay for the dress. It’s their job.
23. That’s great he’s excited about the baby, but will he be upset when he realizes the kids looks nothing like him?
24. It's a good thing you stopped picking up kitchen knives during your night terrors.
25. Where did you hide your John Wayne Bobbit action figures?
26. How did you hide your "I Support Lorena Bobbitt" tattoo on your lower back?
27. The sex is bad? Oh right, I forgot he's rich. It's all good.
28. Does he know about your plan to name the firstborn "2kool4skool"?
29. Wait, the theme of your wedding is "America's got talent"?.
30. Do you have to keep his other kids? Can't you get rid of them?
31. I think it's great that he's a chip n dales dancer. Shows class.
32. You didn’t sign the prenup? Good call.
33. Will it be weird that his daughter is older than you are?
34. Sure his family’s nice now, but will they contest the will five years from now?