While in the Elevator

Inspired by a chapter in the David Sedaris book Me Talk Pretty One Day, I discovered the joy in making embarrassing comments to coworkers while in public areas -- the cafeteria, the elevator, the restroom. Just say them in the elevator full of strangers and bask in the awkwardness.

Special thanks to Whitney and Gordon for their contributions.

1. So, are you getting refunded for your Kelly Clarkson concert tickets?
2. So, if you go to the strip club, is it weird seeing your mom performing?
3. No, I think 16 is the age of consent, so you are safe.
4. Don’t worry, I’m sure lots of people get rejected from American Idol twice
5. Okay, so which Build-A-Bear are you having your birthday party at?
6. So, are your shirts looser now without your back hair?
7. Get pregnant. It will keep him from leaving you.
8. You didn’t even know his name? What time did he leave this morning?
9. If I were you, I would just go to a free clinic. VDs wait for no one.
10. How’s your “Free Paris Hilton” campaign going?
11. Wait, so why aren’t you allowed back in the Netherlands?
12. No, your milkshake doesn't bring the boys to the yard.
13. Tell us about the time you blacked out again.
14. No, drinking tea doesn't stop the spread...you're screwed.
15. Can you finally wear sandals now? Or is the growth still there?
16. Being hairy is considered erotic in many cultures. I'm sure no one will mind.
17. No, I don't think that act can be considered sex.
18. I'm so proud of you. The first male waiter at hooters. That's some sort of milestone eh?
19. Don't worry; I don't think your kids will inherit that.
20. So, do you know of anyone else besides you who still collects Beanie Babies?
21. Oh, I’m sure you aren’t the only one who actually thought Mary Magdalene was entombed under the Louvre.
22. Yeah, it’s good you are only sharing needles with people you know.
23. How many vacation days do you have left? I know you took that impromptu personal day back in February when Anna Nicole Smith died.
24. You have a drug test in a few days right? Well, you better keep gulping that water.
25. Oh, so YOU’RE the one who broke the electric stapler on the 15th floor...(Insert whatever electronic is broken on whatever floor you are on)
26. I definitely think you’ll get more transgendered responses on Match than on eHarmony.
27. So you’ve been using your ex’s social security number?
28. Yeah, I think giving your boss less than two weeks notice will really teach them a lesson.
29. It was really great at karaoke the other night when you sang “I Touch Myself”
30. Wait, so you’ve stopped washing your hands in order to build your immune system?
31. No, I think it’s really nice that you sent Dustin Diamond money to help out with his bankruptcy.
32. It’s just petty cash. No one will notice its missing.